bunnyears

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…Opinion: We’re In A Golden Age Of Trash Talking…
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…Scientists find that deja vu is just alternate timeline of you dying…
…Study: Loss Of Car Leads To 1000% Catcalling Increase…
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…Don’t Forget To Grab Milk…
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…13th month discovered between February and March….

My Morning Routine: Pilates And An Orgasm From A Stranger

My mornings are the happiest times of my day, thanks to my finely tuned morning routine. As a working wife and mother, my morning routine is sacred, as it is often the only time of the day I can make time for myself. There is nothing I love more than waking up each morning and going through the rituals.

5:45 A.M.

My husband wakes me up every morning by kissing my body while Enya plays music for me via Skype. I’ve tried recordings, but it’s not the same as hearing it live every day. It costs a lot of money for this personal touch, but I think that I am worth it.

5:55 A.M.

My husband makes me coffee while I lie in bed and call my ex-husband, who gives me my insider trading tips for the morning. This is an arrangement we have to reduce his monthly child support payments. I feel lucky that we can be so flexible and accommodating to each other as co-parents. Not everyone can be this mature.

6:00 A.M.

I love Pilates. It’s the only exercise you can do completely lying down, and I only got where I am today from being extra good at lying on my back.

7:10 A.M.

On to my shower and makeup. I use a gardenia shower bomb laced with Xanax. The aromatherapy is good for my lungs, and the healing essential oils relax me before breakfast with my children and husband, who I am stuck with until I figure out how to fake my own death.

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7:45 A.M.

I have a quick breakfast with my family. It is important for us to all be together in the morning and set our intentions for the day. Also, the Xanax from the shower bomb has fully kicked in. I can actually make it through my 11-year-old talking to me about how she’s obsessed with Elizabethan history.

8:15 A.M.

Time for my train ride to work. I am usually running for the train as I pull myself away from family breakfast, and I usually end up tossing an orange into my Jeff Koon’s for Louis Vuitton bag and sprinting out the door.

At first, I thought the long train ride that came with my new job was a hindrance. Now, I don’t know what I would do without it. It allows me time to meet all my needs that don’t get met at home or in my marriage. It allows me to screw random strangers in the bathroom before I even get to work. Men, women, other—it’s all the same to me as long as they get me there, and I only pick people who I think can.

8:45 A.M.

I savor my post-orgasm latte. I try to grab my coffee from someplace local before I head into the office. I like to make sure everyone at their sad, minimum-wage job notices my afterglow.

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9:00 A.M.

Finally, I start work, relaxed and peaceful. When I finally get to my desk, I like to start by writing three things on a sticky note I am grateful for that day. Then I use a lavender cleansing wipe to get rid of any excess sweat from the commute or lingering cologne from my traveling companion. This leaves me feeling calmed, refreshed, and ready for the day.

Images: Unsplash, Pixabay, Unsplash

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