How I Broke My Texting And Driving Habit And Started Driving And Masturbating

Modern science says it takes 30 days to build a new habit, and only 14 days to break one. I have put this into practice and I’m ready to share how I have stopped texting and driving and started driving and masturbating.

Texting while driving is a senseless act, but female masturbation should always be celebrated. When life hands you a lemon in the form of an ‘are you coming into work today?’ text, turn it into an opportunity to gently tap your lady lettuce wrap (lemonade) instead of writing back your usual ‘sorry, I can’t come in today. My dog’s uncle is sick again. Sorry!’

I get that this may feel weird at first, but nothing good ever comes from holding back. I also understand not all text messages are easy to ignore, so here is another tip on how to divert your energy from responding to a text while driving and, of course, funnel it into an orgy: party of 1.

When your friend pings you a ‘doggo meme’ and it’s very ‘omggggg (cry face emoji)’ the feeling that overcomes you is completely natural, all humans want to want to respond “LOL” immediately to proper doggo memes, BUT WAIT – take a deep breath and direct that revved up joy into a female fap frenzy (while driving) instead. See? Texting and driving is addictive, but it can be a tool if you use it to your advantage. Take each text as a cue to stir invisible peanut butter in your pants to climax. Practice is key. Don’t worry too much about perfection. You’ll kick your habit in no time.

Most people on the road are swerving in and out of lanes because they are texting, but an easy way to stay present and focused is by safely flicking your sweet bean in traffic, because after all, it is your body and your choice (in some states!) No really, if we just take statistics into account, why risk dying just to text someone “hey” when instead you could be capsizing your lady cupcake into full blown cumiostasis on the road?!  I mean honestly, what’s so great about sending your crush a bitmoji when you could be cleaning imaginary lint off your perfect sacred slit?

Look, I understand this is a new approach, but if you’re open to it I know it can help. Think of it as meditation in motion, just like, in your car, and with so much more pleasure.

Not sold on it yet? That’s okay. Let’s bring in some facts from the experts.

The critically acclaimed and very knowledgeable Cosmopolitan magazine published a frightening statistic of how many women never reach orgasm. With this awful epidemic on the horizon, we as women should be taking every chance we can to pop an O off, especially in the place we spend most of our time… in our cars! So, if instead of texting our friend ‘can’t find parking, I think I’ll just head home’, we can use it as an opportunity to change statistics around. We can make a difference, and no longer need to be a prisoner to our texting and driving addiction.

Please note: This method is not about breaking your texting and driving habit as much as it is gaining the support you need to start masturbating while you drive. Female self-inflicted pleasure is a true art, a gift to the world for which I believe women should be praised. So when you make the choice to put down the dangerous texting and driving, and trade it out for masturbating and driving instead, you’re not only taking a stance for yourself —you’re taking a stance for women.  You’re jerkin n’ drivin for womankind. And that, my dear, is beautiful. 

Images via: https://pixabay.com/en/speed-highway-travel-fast-road-3399041/

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