Fashion Finders: Searching For Style At A Police Auction
Welcome to Fashion Finders! Your go-to source for finding hidden haute couture treasures off the beaten path. Any fashionista worth their salt knows all the hottest retailers in NYC, London, Tokyo, etc. But to be on the bleeding edge of style, you need to be ahead of the crowd. You need to take the road less traveled in search of the next big trend. Fortunately for you, the Fashion Finders are here to do the legwork!
This time around, we’re following a reader tip which read: “Hey, Fashion Finders! I watch a lot of security camera footage of robberies, assaults, and police chases on YouTube, and I’ve noticed that a lot of criminals’ fashion is on fleek. How can I get on that level? Thanks!”
Thanks for the tip, reader @SamPhorophile. You’ve piqued our interest! We’d never noticed the trend of well-dressed criminals, but it does have a certain logic. Pop culture always idolizes the dapper rogue, from Han Solo to Ted Bundy. And really, “smooth-talking rebel with a disregard for society’s rules and standards” could describe some of our best modern designers. There’s definitely something here. Which is why we “staked out” a local police auction, where one of our Fashion Finders snagged a death row inmate’s suit that was absolutely to die for. Here are their findings:
One look, and it was easy to see how its former owner had talked his way into the homes of over a dozen strangers in the span of four years as an active serial killer. This was the style of a man throwing caution to the wind, and for this fashion writer, it was love at first sight.
Regular readers will know that sizing is always a gamble when scouring for fashion gems. With a suit jacket, this is especially true. Anything less than a perfect drape will make leave you looking like you borrowed a more successful friend’s jacket for a first date; not a flattering aesthetic. Sure enough, the jacket was baggy on me, the former owner having been quite a bit more muscular than myself. I called my tailor to schedule a drop-off for the next day.
I’ll be honest, I slept poorly that night (had some pretty bizarre dreams) and I was dreading the early-morning appointment I’d made with the tailor. Lo and behold, when I tried the suit on that morning, it fit perfectly! I’m not familiar with the material, and there’s no label, but whatever natural blend it is, the jacket shrunk to my size overnight. It was like magic!
Now that my schedule had been freed up, I decided I’d hit a high-class brunch in my new duds. I tried to snap a selfie for the Gram, but it kept coming out blurry for some reason. #FirstWorldProblems #SmartphoneMoreLikeDumbphone #NeedAnUpgrade
One great thing about secondhand-chic is that you never know what the previous owner might have left behind. While putting my keys in an inside pocket, I discovered a handwritten list of names. The jacket that keeps on giving! #Collectible #Murderbilia
We’ve all heard the old adage, “The clothes make the man,” and those in the world of high-fashion know how true it can be. When I arrived at brunch, wearing the suit out for the first time, I had an incredible surge of confidence. I was cool, I was funny, I was charming. I felt invincible. There was nobody who could stop me, now. I flirted effortlessly with my server, well aware that I could go home with anyone I wanted to. I could go into any of their homes. But it was still too light out for such pursuits, so instead I ordered another mimosa!
You know how it goes at brunch: One mimosa turns into another, turns into pre-gaming for the club, turns into a weekend-long bender, and you wake up at home in your new suit with no memory of the previous three days. That’s how it goes when you look this good, anyway. People must have been buying me drinks hand over fist, because despite having obviously partied hard, my pockets were stuffed with cash! Maybe more than I started with, actually. Unfortunately, it looked like I’d drunkenly scratched out all of the names on that list I found in the suit, so the collectible value is probably shot. I guess financially, this bender was a wash!
I was disappointed to find that I’d apparently spilled a Bloody Mary (or two) on my new jacket. I thought it was ruined! But as I dabbed the sticky red liquid with a paper towel, the miracle fabric seemed almost to absorb the stain, drying before my very eyes. Self-cleaning fabric means there’s almost no reason to ever take the suit off! I know, I know, wearing the same outfit twice in a row is a huge faux pas. But with a suit like this, it’s a total power move. I can feel the power surging through me, in fact. I crave its power, as it craves a wearer.
I really can’t say enough good things about this police auction find. I’ve been partying harder than ever, with seemingly limitless confidence. I haven’t slept in days, but my energy is at manic, cocaine levels. This suit has changed my life, and the lives of anyone foolish enough to cross me… in this life or the next. It’s a top-tier Fashion Find!