10 Futhark Runes That Will Totally Make You Cum

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The encouragement to procreate is essential for any exclusive community—something of which I am well aware as the leader of The Church Of False-Vestigially, a heavily protected organization that primarily operates in or around abandoned mines. But instead of your pornographic imagery or courtship processes, our elders have found a much more efficient way of stimulating the sexes for fornication. It’s an all-natural process that involves a little elbow grease and the use of ancient Furhark runes. For your next romantic evening in, why not try one (or all!) of the following runes, hand-selected by Church elders, to get those juices flowing?


Meaning “water” or “lake,” you can immediately see why the laguz is essential for sex, an activity heavily reliant on moisture. This rune is especially important for our Church and its worship of ancient oceanic creatures. Also, if you happen to find pleasure in so-called “water sports,” this is probably a solid pick.


Meaning “joy,” wunjō is an obvious pick for any sexual activity, from quiet, yurt-covered missionary to Church-supervised blood play. The rune itself also looks like the letter “P,” which could absolutely stand for “penis” or possibly “pee,” if that’s something you happen to be into.


An unexpected pick, kaunan means has been translated as “ulcer” in Norwegian and Icelandic rune poems. While it wasn’t immediately clear why our Church elders selected this symbol to represent sexual potency, my best theory is that it has something to do with a study on the healing properties of camel urine used to treat ulcers in rats, if you’re into that sort of thing.


Raido means “ride” or “journey.” It could refer to one lover riding another toward sexual climax or the journey that urine takes traveling from the bladder to the awaiting chest of a trusting partner, assuming that’s something you are interested in doing or perhaps curious about trying.


It’s immediately clear that the symbol berkanan looks like a pair of breasts from above. Most likely, it’s this imagery that persuaded our elders to select this rune as one of sexual importance. That said, it’s important not to discount its translation to the word “birch,” a tree with leaves exclusively used to flush out the urinary tract when ingested, allowing your golden stream to be at its most pure.


Meaning both “wealth” and “cattle,” it took our Church members many weeks to decipher what our elders could possibly find sexual about the fehu rune. Their best guess was that “wealth” referred to gold—or a golden color—and the augmentation of “cattle” referred to the powerful yellow discharge made from the loins of our bovine friends, if that’s something that gets you going.


This one is obvious. Isaz directly translates to “ice,” an object commonly used to spice things up in the bedroom. I’m, of course, referring to the act of “salty thawing,” where one lover places a stack of ice on the other’s genital region and then proceeds to thaw the ice using their own liquid warmth. Please only practice salty thawing with permission from your significant other.


We’re getting pretty straightforward. Simply put, mannaz means “man,” which is typically one-half of the procreation process. The symbol itself is depicted as the letter “M” with two aching middle lines crossing each other, the way two men might cross streams when peeing on each other’s feet for sexual gratification.


It’s become clear that the Church holds that urine is the primary catalyst for effective procreation amongst family-seeking adults. Furthermore, while the Church worships aquatic marine life, there is some unusual stress on bovine urine. It should be no surprise that the rune algiz translates to “elk,” and we’ll just leave it at that.


Now this is an interesting twist. As I mentioned in a previous journey to the afterlife, Jesus Christ is secretly a horse, something that Big Religion doesn’t want you to know. Therefore, it comes as no shock that the rune ehwaz actually means “horse.” It’s a translation that has long bothered our many Church-goers as they attempted to interpret the elders’ meaning. In the end, we’re pretty sure it has something to do with getting pissed on by a horse while dressed like Jesus Christ. If you’re into that.

May you find immense pleasure in inserting these runes up your sex holes,

“Dr.” Guru King Nartec Jeff Roberts, Leader Of The Church Of False-Vestigially

Image: Pixabay

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