What To Look For When Shopping For A New Judge
It’s always a sad day when your favorite judge breaks, gets worn out, or just plain goes out of fashion, but hey—it happens. When it does, you need to be prepared, because you can’t just let any old judge walk into your local court. Who knows how corrupt they (let’s face it, he) might be? You can’t risk electing a judge you can’t bribe, so here are the most important factors to consider when shopping for a new judge.
Of course, the top quality you need to look for in a new judge is how well you can use them. Your judge is obviously not going to be a poor, but exactly how rich is he? Does he even need your money? If you don’t have anything he wants, he has no incentive to dismiss your 14th DUI, but don’t necessarily overlook a well-off judge. The incentive doesn’t have to be monetary. Does he have higher political aspirations? Is he a horn dog? You need to figure out what he wants, and more importantly, what he’ll do to get it. A good way to find out is to do some research into his background and find out how many other rich people he’s let slide in the past.
Even the most corrupt public officials have a line they won’t cross. You need to find one with the lowest moral threshold possible. You don’t want to get stuck with a judge who is generally corrupt only to find out later that they do have some pet causes they care about, like forest fires or importing exotic animals. You’ll need to develop a comprehensive questionnaire including the most absurd crimes you could possibly see yourself committing and make sure he’s cool with all of them. Make him swear on a Bible. Judges are really into that “swearing on a Bible” thing.
The last thing you want is some old-ass geezer on the bench. That’s how you got into this situation in the first place. Sure, some crusty old man is more likely to do whatever you want, but he’s also likely to straight-up die on you. You need someone you can count on for years to come, so consider going middle-aged or even younger if they’re from Illinois. Don’t mistake youth for vitality, though. You will, of course, need a copy of their medical records. You can’t have some fresh-faced 30-year-old nevertheless croaking of a cocaine-induced heart attack during your next public indecency hearing.
Of course, you must weigh practical considerations above all others, but that doesn’t mean you have to discount flair. Personally, I’m partial to a judge who looks, sounds, and acts exactly like Yosemite Sam. For me, there’s nothing sweeter than 10 hours of community service for inciting to riot, but hearing it in a befuddled Texas drawl is the cherry on top. That’s just me, though. Take some time to visualize what you want in a judge. Maybe you’re more partial to a slick New Yorker type. Maybe a jolly Santa Claus–looking motherfucker who the public at large would never believe would take such flagrant bribes is what does it for you. Give yourself the space to really daydream, and I promise, all your dreams (and overturned convictions) will come true.