bunnyears

…Fourth grade teacher found to be not as hot as you remember…
… Michael Jordan Comes Out Of Retirement To Dunk On Angela Merkel…
…Am I standing right behind you? The answer might surprise you!…
…Gordon Ramsay Signed Beef Wellington Sells For 1.6 Million…
…6 Year Online Romance Ends In Weird Handshake…
…Man discovers woman already knows thing he was going to tell her….
…Survey finds startling amount of ghosts are racist….
…Hurricane wipes out town of Duckberg…
…Scientists Discover A Lot Of Cool Junk In Older Brother’s Room…
…Breaking: Absolutely no one wang chunging tonight…
…Children May Be Stupider And Weaker Than Previously Thought…
…Breaking – There’s A Spider In Your Pocket…
…Research shows laughter definitely not the best medicine…
…Sugar daddy eaten by ants…
…Confirmed: Everyone is hanging out without you…
…Help, I’m Trapped In A Headline Writing Factory. Details To Follow…
…Shazaam not a real movie…Google it…
…Your Dog Might Have A Secret Passport…
…Quiz: Is This The Good Milk?…
…Email From Mom Has 4 FWDs In Subject Line…
…Man pretty sure Game Of Thrones is historically accurate…
…Did Tupac fake his birth?…
…Update: Only very tiny hats now cool…
…Chill Girlfriend Constantly Suppressing Everything…
…Big dick energy drink selling poorly…
…Local white guy “gets it”…
…Woman Memorizes Snapple Fact In Case Tonight’s Party Is That Bad…
…Violent Pokémon dispute sparks trade war…
…Scientists find that deja vu is just alternate timeline of you dying…
…Opinion: I Have The Best Smile And Coolest Personality …
…According to studies studying causes cancer…
…Mother Struggles To Explain Scott Baio To Her Child…
…Very smart toilet begs for death…
…Adult Hearing Mom Use Their Full Name Still Terrified…
…Unusually Buff Dog Not Breaking Eye Contact…
…Local Couple Adopts Blind Dogs And Just Puts Them Down…
…Single 32 Year Old Patiently Waits For Friends To Get Divorced…
…Half The World’s Bees Have Never Seen The Show Seinfeld…
…Woman With Scoliosis Has Detailed Knowledge Of Floor-…
…’Glow Up’ Discovered To Just Be DBZ Reference…
…Drugs In Water Supply Treat Fish’s Depression…
…Study: Loss Of Car Leads To 1000% Catcalling Increase…
…Bunny Ears wins prestigious Bunny Ears website of the year award at the Bunny Ears Awards…
…Against All Odds, Man Learns To Dance…
…Opinion: We’re In A Golden Age Of Trash Talking…
…Spoiler alert: The milk has gone bad…
…Report reveals Rice-A-Roni actually from Detroit…
…Millennials Are Disrupting The Banjo Industry…
…Dollars to donuts exchange crashing…
…Santa is real, and he lives in your crawl space….
…New Boyfriend Eats Imitation Crab Straight From The Package…
…According to studies accordions are unsteady…
…Hospital Cracks Down On Patients Getting Chemo For Fun…
…Single Woman Manages To Meet Food Delivery Minimum…
…Don’t Forget To Grab Milk…
…A New Generation Of Turtles Are Learning Martial Arts…
…13th month discovered between February and March….
…Reported discovery of new planet turns out to be your mom…

The Best Illegal Souvenirs From Around The World (That Aren’t Shirts)

God forbid your only keepsakes from your requisite time abroad be memories and thoroughly documented blogs, which is why all the big tourist destinations are filled with shops packed with mugs, key chains, and t-shirts emblazoned with vaguely sexual local references. I’m here to tell you that you need to forget about all that. Not only will those souvenirs be quickly lost in a drawer somewhere, they’re about as exciting to acquire and transport as a stool sample. Wouldn’t it be so much more fun to bring back something bad? Travel is all about adventure, the thrill of the unknown, and what’s more thrillingly unknown than international trafficking? If you’re onboard with that but not sure what to smuggle, we’ve put together a guide to the best illegal souvenirs from around the world, rated by their risk-reward ratio.

Europe: Absinthe

Do you remember hearing that absinthe was recently legalized in the US? Think again. What we have is neutered pisswater. The real stuff that’ll make you think your eyelids have turned inside out is still aqua non grata, but you can get it right alongside your authentic champagne and Amsterdank herb.

Risk-reward: Medium-medium. You could get hit with a hefty fine, and bottles are really hard to shove up your ass. (Take our word for it.) However, if you succeed, you can celebrate by getting hella fucked up. The bottle—which you can keep forever because I’m pretty sure glass isn’t illegal, piggies—is also probably wicked sweet as well. You should probably be a lot more worried about the Amsterdank.

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Thailand: Dried lemongrass

Why is lemongrass, among other spices and flavorings, from our neighbors to the east illegal to bring home? To be honest, I don’t know, and I’ve already stopped caring.

Risk-reward: Low-low. It’s exceedingly unlikely you’re gonna get patted down for illicit seasonings, because nobody cares. The downside of that is that nobody will care. If you fervently point out your collection of contraband spices, your friends will just be like “Oh” or “Huh, I didn’t know that was illegal.” You’ll probably just give up and blend it into a smoothie that tastes like failure and lemongrass. I’m only including it as an option if you’re a huge chicken. Speaking of which …

Mexico: Chickens

For some reason, there are certain types of living food you’re not supposed to bring back from Mexico. Beef is cool, piggie is not. Bison is A-OK, chickens are right out. Are they pumping them full of wing-juicening hormones? Is that why the street tacos are so good? All I know—and again, please do not ask how I know this—is that you can stroll across the border with a calf strapped to your back, no questions asked, but not a trunk full of chickens.

Risk-reward: Medium-high. Listen, I’m going to take a guess that no one is rotting in max for felony possession of poultry. You’re probably looking at a fine at most. You’re *also* looking at the customs official’s face when they open your trunk full of chickens. You’re looking at all your ill-gotten chickens, hopping and clucking and making a run for it. It’ll be the time of your life. If you don’t get caught, even better. You can name the chicken Bonita and introduce it to your friends as your new companion, spinning her journey here as a cross-cultural but also star-crossed tale of unlikely friendship. You (and Bonita) can dine out on that story forever.

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China: Pure China white heroin

This is the big time. The ultimate score. Are you ready for this? Are you fucking ready?

Risk-reward: High-high. You are definitely going to prison. If, by some miracle, you don’t, the souvenir is beside the point. You have a new career.

Canada: Kinder Surprise Eggs

Unlike dumb lemongrass, there’s actually a pretty good reason why these bad boys are banned. Sure, we have Kinder brand chocolate eggs in the U.S., but they’re not the fun kind with danger inside. When you go abroad, you’re practically obligated to snap up enough of these delightful foodstuffs/toys to dive into like an equally prohibited ball pit. But there’s no way you’re gonna eat all of them before you have to go back to Freedomland. Therefore …

Risk-reward: Low-high. For all the stink that is made about them, nobody cares. Just recently, I waltzed through security with a few of these suckers stashed in my purse, not even hidden, because I had temporarily forgotten they were illegal. I was even “randomly selected” for supplemental screening (air quotes because I am under no illusion that I look trustworthy). It’s actually even better if you do get caught. Now you have “candy smuggler” on your record for the rest of your life. No one can take that away from you. And isn’t that the best souvenir of all?

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