The X-Men Kicked Me Out Because My Mutant Power Is Pooping Hot Dogs
I’ve always been a nervous person, and I was a really nervous child. Why did my little league coach think it was a good idea to have me pitch? I hadn’t even thrown the ball yet and I got so anxious that I pooped my pants. Well, not pooped. “Hot dogged” is more accurate. I hot dogged my pants, and that was the moment I realized that I’m a mutant and my mutant power is pooping hot dogs when I get nervous. Fortunately, since I was at a baseball game, I passed out all the hot dogs I’d just nervously pooped and everyone was none the wiser.
And to be clear, I poop out full hot dogs. Not just the wiener, but the bun, too. They come out hot with neat squiggly lines of ketchup and mustard, and they are delicious. Like Hebrew National good.
My parents took me to see several doctors, but they couldn’t do anything for me—which is how I eventually ended up at Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters. (Full disclosure: I lied in the interview. Again, I’m a very nervous person, and I was so afraid that I was going to poop hot dogs in Professor Xavier’s office that I told him I could “generate infinite protein.” Technically, that’s not a lie.)
However, I became so anxious about Professor Xavier finding out I poop hot dogs that I started pooping them constantly since I only do it when I’m nervous. I left hot dogs in the showers, hot dogs in the halls, and hot dogs on the ground directly below my bedroom window.
Professor Xavier really had no choice but to send me home, and I guess I can’t blame him. I don’t know what I’m going to do now. Obviously, I’m considering getting a job as a hot dog vendor. But the notion of customers finding out where I get my hot dogs makes me so anxious. And that just means more hot dogs.