Meatless Burgers Ranked By How Bad They Made Me Shit My Pants

With the world’s desire for beef swallowing up resources and choking the atmosphere with greenhouse gases, enterprising corporate scientists have developed many meat alternatives. These aren’t your hippie dad’s soy burgers or garden patties—these are lab-formulated, highly-processed meat alternatives made from plant extracts and compounds that aim to mimic both the taste and texture of beef. The difference: less fat and environmental impact. I thusly decided to make a list of meatless burgers and give them a definitive ranking based on some specific criteria. Namely, meatless burgers ranked by how bad they made me shit my pants.

5. BOCA All American Veggie Burgers

This one consists of a mixture of plant-based proteins and digestion-aiding vegetable compounds. That makes these bad boys sail right through your system. Case in point: I took a bite of this burger, chewed it, swallowed it, and felt a lump in my underwear immediately. I went to the bathroom to investigate, where I found a chunk of material fully recognizable as a piece of unprocessed soy burger. I wouldn’t say I technically shit my pants here, because the food never actually turned into poop.

4. Field Roast Field Burger

This fiber-rich flattened patty went right through me. Well, not right through me. Passing high amounts of fiber takes a long time—long enough to read the entirety of Where’d You Go, Bernadette?

3. Impossible Burger

Impossible Foods has been cagey about what’s in the burger, citing the need to keep its proprietary recipe a secret. But I can tell you that it likely contains peanuts, because I’m very allergic to peanuts to the point where they instantly make me poop my pants.

2. Beyond Meat

When you cut into it, it bleeds. I’m not sure how they do that, but it’s probably beet juice. In fact, beet juice looks so much like blood that I had a tough time figuring out what had hopelessly stained my pants (along with the feces). Probably a little of both.

1. Amazing Burger

Sure it tastes “amazing”—it’s 100% beef. Ordinarily that wouldn’t give me severe, near-instantaneous diarrhea, but I forgot to cook the Amazing Burger before I ate it.

There you have it. The definitive list of meatless burgers ranked by how bad they made me shit my pants. Let us know if any were missed!

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