The Complete Results Of AEW’s First TNT Show (From The Future!)

Welcome to “Future Spoilers,” the column where I, with the help of The New Day’s time machine, travel into the future and reveal the results of wrestling events that haven’t happened yet. This week, I’ll be tackling AEW’s October 2nd premiere on TNT. It occurs at the Capital One Arena in Washington, D.C. and it’s All Elite Wrestling’s first live, weekly show. Buckle up!

The Intro

The Young Bucks crotch-chop at the arena’s hard camera for over 30 minutes while the audience chants, “This is wrestling!” The segment ends when The Bucks super-kick a giant bottle of Chris Jericho’s “Little Bit Of The Bubbly” brand champagne. Kenny Omega looks annoyed.

Cody vs. Sammy Guevara

Sammy and Cody wrestle a 10-minute match of above-average quality, but it gets interrupted by The Librarian Leva Bates and The Librarian Peter Avalon shushing both the announcers and the ref, making the whole thing pretty much unwatchable. Near the end, Jim Ross looks straight into camera and says, “Sorry folks, this just isn’t any good.” Cody wins clean followed by five minutes of uninterrupted, very expensive pyro.

Backstage Segment #1

Orange Cassidy and Michael Nakazawa have a staring contest for 15 minutes while the crowd chants, “This is awesome!” Wrestling journalist Dave Meltzer looks into the camera from the audience and mouths “seven stars.”

Riho vs. Nyla Rose

Riho wins a hard-fought 15-minute match for the AEW Women’s Championship. The live audience loves it, with many deeming it a candidate for Match of the Year. However, the television audience doesn’t get a chance to watch because Hangman Page accidentally turned the closed captioning on, covering the screen with random letters for the entire duration of the fight.

Backstage Segment #2

Cody introduces AEW’s newest tag team, Pharaoh the Dog and a vacuum cleaner (turned on). Pharaoh is visibly scared of the vacuum, which Cody laughs off, saying, “Dogs will be dogs.” In an unscripted moment, Cody’s wife, Brandi Rhodes, yells at him to “leave that poor dog alone.” They continue to argue as the show cuts for commercial.

Main Event: Kenny Omega and The Young Bucks vs. Chris Jericho and Two Mystery Partners

It’s revealed that Jericho’s mystery partners are The Dark Order. The Dark Order tries to do their “lights turn out and then when they turn back on they’re in the ring with their creepers” gimmick, but it takes them over 20 minutes to get into position. The first AEW TNT show ends abruptly during The Dark Order’s very long blackout. Later, the match airs in full on one of AEW’s many, many YouTube channels. It’s admittedly pretty good, though wrestling pundit Jim Cornette releases a long podcast rant about how it’s ruining the business regardless.

This has been Future Spoilers. Where will we end up next? Who knows! (Just kidding. We know. We have a time machine.)

Images: AEW