Negative energy is the most underrated problem affecting your everyday life. It’s the secret villain behind your bad work meeting, lovers quarrel, and of course, the 1993 attack on the World Trade Center. Vaccines would be 230% more effective if it weren’t for bad energy. And the worst part? This highly-addictive energy emanates from the electrical appliances that are literally all around us.
This is why I’ve spent a significant portion of my time at the Church Of False-Vestigially studying ways to purge bad energy from the universe. What I’ve found is surprisingly simple, and is based on an ancient-yet-effective practice: literally holding criminal trials for the electric appliances in your home.
Follow the below instructions, and banish negative, electronic-based energy from your life once and for all!
1. Build An Appliance-Sized Courtroom
The obvious question you might currently be asking is: “What exactly are the measurements for an appliance-sized homemade courtroom?” This is easy. Your courtroom should merely cater to the average height and girth of all your home appliances. Achieve this by measuring all the appliances in your household and then mathematically determining the mean average. All you have to do is design your tiny podiums, tiny chairs, tiny stacks of legal paper, and tiny water urns to scale with this average. If an appliance is too big or too small, simply accommodate them as best you can.
Finally, while it might feel weird to construct a miniature courtroom for electric appliances using some of the very appliances you plan to put on trial, keep in mind that those appliances are innocent until proven guilty. Also, if one of the appliances does contain negative energy, it will surely be wily enough to behave so as to not give itself away.
2. Hold A Formal Trial For Each Appliance
It’s going to be tempting to only half-commit to this process despite the fact it’s the most important step. I urge you to spare no expense in the hiring of bailiffs, stenographers, and courtroom sketch artists. Treat this seriously or suffer the consequences.
Additionally, a common misstep is assuming that connecting accessories count as part of a larger appliance. Do not make this mistake. Your stereo might be perfectly innocent, but its remote could be a whole other story.
If you’re wondering where to start, we at the Church found that the items which are almost guaranteed to contain negative energy are smartphones, televisions, and computers with access to the internet. These are traditional offenders and you should treat them as such. Equal suspicion should be placed on any item frequently seen in close proximity to these “problem appliances.” If your lamp is always hanging out around your laptop, it’s probably guilty as well. While this is America and we all believe in a fair trial, we also can’t deny the inherent negative energy that comes with any device used to obtain information from outside of one of the many Mandatory Church Schools available to all for a nominal yearly fee.
3. Set Punishments And Enforce Them
Like human prisoners, bad-energy appliances should be put in a secure location and isolated from the rest of the group. A simple chest might do—but to be extra safe I would highly recommend a large metal shipping container buried deep in the desert sand many miles from your compound. When that container is filled, simply bury a second container next to it, and so on.
But it’s not enough to simply carry out the punishment; you must guarantee that the punishment holds strong. This is why, as mandated by my Church, any member found aiding and abetting the liberation of a negative-energy appliance is subject to a severe consequence not unlike that of aiding a human felon. After all, are these appliances not just as dangerous?
I know it seems unthinkable that a reasonable Church-follower would want to run—often half-naked and crying—miles through the desert in an attempt to unbury their cellular phone, but this actually happens way more often than you’d think. It really goes to show just how addictive this negative energy is.
May your justice-ropes righteously constrict with compassion,
“Dr.” Guru King Nartec Jeff Roberts Leader Of The Church Of False-Vestigially