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…Very smart toilet begs for death…
…Santa is real, and he lives in your crawl space….
…Sugar daddy eaten by ants…

Relationship Advice: How Do I Get A Daddy Like Santa?

The release of Avengers: Infinity War Christmas is nigh, and as usual with Marvel movies holidays, it’s getting a full barrage of posters, billboards, T.V. spots, Arrested Development Easter eggs, and trailers to get us hyped. As I see more and more from this movie, I’ve come to a chilling realization: Thanos Santa is the best daddy in the galaxy and I really want one just like him.

Marvel movie fans will know Thanos Santa as the swol purple guy who pops up every few movies as contractually obligated. Comic fans, however, will know Thanos Santa as an eternal-deviant hybrid from Titan. He’s known for being a genocidal maniac, and I just can’t stop thinking about him.

You may not think that Thanos Santa is all that attractive, but looks aren’t everything. Of course, his purple skin would definitely be something I’d have to get over (do you think there’s a cream for that or something?). On the other hand, Thanos Santa is also a very thicc daddy. He looks like he definitely hits up some sort of eternal gym or something. Maybe he does space pilates? Wiping out entire planets probably burns a lot of calories, but that body definitely comes from both aerobic and anaerobic exercises. He’s definitely the most swol villain in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Just imagine Thanos Santa emerging, glistening, from a pool of the blood of those he has conquered while wearing some sort of infinity stone Speedo. When finding your daddy, take time to shop around and find one with the features that you want. Do you like scars? Tight abs? What do you want in the daddy you want in you?

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It may not seem like this is the kind of guy you want to be your daddy, but he’s also known as a very good gift-giver. In the comics, Thanos Santa wiped out his entire planet just as a gift for the celestial embodiment of death. Who doesn’t love a daddy who knows exactly what gift to give you?! Plus, I’m not nearly as hard to shop for as the Mistress of Death. When searching for your daddy, remember to always consider thiccness. I mean his wallet, of course. Make sure your daddy can keep showering you with all the golden gifts you deserve.

As a gay man, I do love a good accessory, and Thanos Santa is the ultimate accessory queen. The Infinity Gauntlet looks like it was designed by Fierce Drag Jewels. What gay guy wouldn’t want to wear a giant golden glove with six all-powerful jewels? Statement jewelry is super in right now, and if Thanos Santa was my daddy, I could borrow the Infinity Gauntlet whenever I wanted to. While rebalancing the universe with the power of the Infinity Stones sounds fun, I would just love to show off the jewelry my daddy gave me to all of my friends. Also, I mean, those stones must come in really handy. If you’re running late, you can just manipulate time, or if a guy breaks your heart, you can eradicate his entire bloodline with just the snap of your fingers. You’ll have to work hard to find a daddy that can be powerful for you while still having a fierce streak. Of course, nobody can come close to Daddy Thanos Santa in that regard, but you shouldn’t drop your standards. There’s nothing wrong with coming in second.

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Thanos Santa has two adopted daughters (a clear sign that under all that gruff, he has a heart as gold as his Infinity Gauntlet), and they turned out just fine. Gamora and Nebula are two swell gals who use the skills they learned from daddy Thanos Santa to become two of the greatest assassins in the cosmos. Gamora doesn’t understand how good she had it with Thanos Santa, though, and betrays him to run around with some white guy named Star Lord. Who would choose Star Lord over Thanos Santa? Sure, Thanos Santa is a bit of a discipline daddy, and not everyone is into that, but if I was Thanos Santa’ little cub, I’d know that he knows best! That said, he does already have kids, which means a relationship with Thanos Santa would give you an instant family. You have to look deep in yourself to find out how you feel about your daddy being someone else’s daddy, too. Can you share, or do you need a daddy all to yourself? Could you even handle a thicc daddy all by yourself?

Clearly, Thanos Santa is the ultimate space daddy, and now you may want to get your own, but stay away! You can have your way with the other celestials, but don’t come near my Thanos Santa. They say that the fastest way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, but for Thanos Santa, the fastest way to get his attention is to get one of those fabulous Infinity Stones for him to use in his fancy gauntlet. Now it makes total sense why little Loki is always trying to get those stones! See you at the movies!

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Images: Marvel Studios

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