Sign Our Petition To Blow Up Mercury So Becky Can’t Talk About Dumb Retrograde Ever Again
Mercury is in retrograde, which will apparently trigger a cycle of misfortune. But worst of all, we have to put up with Becky complaining about how the movements of a planet she’s never seen even through a telescope is the reason why Starbucks got her order wrong. This needs to stop. Which is why we are petitioning NASA to blow up Mercury. That way it will never go into retrograde ever again and we will never have to get another text from Becky explaining that her “vibes are off.”
As an added bonus, our solar system will become more streamlined. But that’s not the point. The point is to get Becky to STFU.
Hear Us Out
Mercury goes into retrograde four times per year, but the way Becky talks about it, it feels like Mercury is never not in retrograde. Plus, we’re not even using Mercury. There are ZERO cool science fiction movies that take place there and we’re sending ZERO rovers to it. And there’s a reason: It’s a pointless planet.
The only thing we actually use Mercury for is astrology, which, as you know if you’ve ever had Becky forward you an article from Bustle about her horoscope, makes Mercury more of a liability than an asset. We understand that Becky will still be able to complain about the remaining six planets that aren’t Earth, but we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. You can’t completely stop Becky from talking about how “the planets are fucking shit up for me right now”—you can only mitigate it. And blowing up Mercury will mitigate it.
So if you no longer want to live in a world where Becky blames a random planet every time she can’t get service on her cell phone, then sign our petition. If we get enough signatures, NASA will have to listen and blow it up, Death Star-style.
Please. We beg you. Just one minute of your day could prevent a lifetime of having to listen to Becky complain about Mercury ever again.
Sign our petition here.