The Ferret Vagina Moon And Other Powerful Moon Phases We Just Made Up
To the sane observer, it might feel like someone made up a bunch of moon names (supermoons, blood moons, etc.) about three years ago, and now everyone acts like they’re real. Well, surprise! It was us! We totally did that. It’s been funny as hell, and we’re just getting started. Deep down, you’re never really sure if crap like astrology or lunar influence are real, which is why we’re telling you about a few of our newest moon names that we 100% just made up but could significantly affect your life anyway. But probably not. But maybe.
Ferret Vagina Moon
Next up in our “totally fake (or is it?)” moon cycle is the luminous ferret vagina moon. It will rise fuzzily over the horizon and make your pubes three times harder to shave. It also doubles your risk of chlamydia. Of course, it doesn’t really. These are all fake and made up. But did you know some forms of chlamydia are now resistant to antibiotics? Do you really want to mess with the all-powerful energies of the ferret’s vagina? We didn’t think so, sucker.
Super Baboon Balloon Moon
This glimmering full moon makes helium balloons last twice as long. Isn’t that fun? It also will make your ass glow like a neon sign any time you get the least bit horny. That would never happen, right? It’s not even physiologically possible! Or is it? Is it a type of moon magic that only kicks in when you ignore the super baboon? Would all your friends and coworkers be too embarrassed to tell your your butt was lit up like a cheap Vegas club? We’re sure it’s fine, but maybe avoid dark rooms at all costs.
Waxing Ex-Boyfriend Moon
The half-cycle ex moon is moving toward completion, which means you are in terrible danger. At any moment, your worst ex might text you, sending you into a downward spiral of revived emotions, raging inadequacy, and sickening emotional dredging. We don’t know when it will happen, but it will happen. If you dodge their text, they’ll call. If you skip their call, they’ll show up and interrupt your first date in months. If you hide under your bed in the dark all month, you will end up married to them in Vegas before the next new moon. Of course, you won’t do that, because again, this is likely very fake. Do you feel lucky? Well, do you, punk?