Please Stop Jerking Off With My Luxurious Moisturizer
I put a lot of effort into creating my pricey and luxurious moisturizer. I’ve spent a lot of time finding the perfect combination of extracts and butters to make it so velvety and rich. I understand that it feels amazing on your skin, but please don’t jerk off with it. There’s a lot of other, much cheaper creams and lotions you can use that can get the job done just as well. Many of the ingredients in my moisturizer are rare, which explains its extravagant retail price of $39 an ounce. The semen you produce with it will not be worth $39 an ounce. You’ve flooded the market with your semen; it’s worthless. Don’t use a golden spade to shovel crap.
It’s Made For Face Aging, Not Penis Aging
You’ll tell yourself jerking off with my expensive designer moisturizer will make you feel rich —it won’t. It’ll feel like Jergens with a better scent. After you ejaculate, you’ll still be driving an old Miata with hand-cranked windows. You’ll still be you, but with a smoother penis. And a very moist penis, too. A penis filled with B-vitamins.
If a smoother, vitamin-rich penis is your endgame and jerking off with my luxurious moisturizer is a nice fringe benefit of the application process, then fine. But you must know that I’ve only tested it on faces. I don’t know what it’ll do to a penis. Its primary use, when you’re not jerking off with it, is for reducing wrinkles and other signs of aging. So, I guess it’ll help if you’ve got an old dick. Your scrotum might regain some of its youthful vigor, too, but that’s it. I can’t imagine why anyone would want a penis that’s aged out of step with the rest of their body. That’s a jarring sight no perspective sexual partner would enjoy. But to each his own, I guess.
It’s An Epidemic
It’s not just a few of you who are jerking off with my luxurious moisturizer, either. It’s become a thing. I guess one person jerked off with my moisturizer, and they told two people, and they told two people, and so on until our latest figures showed that a majority of our customer base is now comprised of men asking the makeup counter employees at Macy’s for my moisturizer with hushed tones and a wink.
Here I was thinking our steadily climbing sales figures were the result of a small mention in a Cosmo article about skin hydration, but nope. It was men who were ejaculating good then telling their bros about how good they ejaculating with my moisturizer. And then sales exploded when some faceless internet masturbator left a comment on PornHub.com mentioning that he was using my luxurious moisturizer at that moment. His keyboard must be as disgusting as the video he commented on.
It’s All I Think About And You Need To Stop
I’m ashamed to admit that I’m now swimming in money thanks to a cult-like army of well-to-do masturbators with deceptively youthful silky-smooth penises. It’s not exactly the kind of wild success I dreamed of achieving when I made my first DIY batch of moisturizer oh so many years ago. The money does nothing to prevent my daily panic attacks when I suddenly get the sense that somewhere around the world someone is dipping their penis into my handblown custom jars (no two of which are exactly alike) and scoping out around seven dollars’ worth of my moisturizer. A moisturizer that, by the way, contains an extract from a berry harvested exclusively by the residents of a remote village in the Andes Mountains. I pray they never learn what people are doing with their berries.
I’m very happy you extravagant masturbators have made my small beauty company a rousing success. I’m humbled and thankful for your love of my product. Please, out of the kindness of your hearts, stop jerking off with my moisturizer. It’s insulting.
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…