Vaginal Cleansing Techniques For After Sex With Brian
We’ve all read those studies that say douching and antibacterial washes are unhealthy and unnecessary. But come on. This is Brian we’re talking about. There has to be something you can do to feel clean after having sex with Brian. Here are some ideas that are medically unnecessary (or even harmful!) but psychologically reassuring after sex with Brian.
Cleanse Yourself with Your Dog’s Toothbrush
Contrary to popular belief, there are few things in this world that are cleaner than a dog’s mouth. Certainly not Brian’s penis. Plus, your dog’s toothbrush is small enough to discreetly store in your purse at work in case Brian approaches you or starts bragging about his “life at sea” again. Ugh. Fluffers can worry about gingivitis herself, you’ve got bigger problems. Brian problems.
Live In a Spa Like Those Museum Kids from that Book
Do you remember that book? I kinda remember that book. I think the sequel was in an aquarium or a morgue or something? Anyway, if you sneak around and sleep overnight at a spa for a month like those kids in that museum book, you might just feel clean enough to forget about sex with Brian (or the fact that he just keeps a gallon bottle of lube on the floor for some reason). Plus, running from security and strong-fingered masseuses is just a solid workout routine.
Carve Some Soap into a Dildo and Go Fuck Yourself
This may dry you out so much you can never have sex again, but after having sex with Brian, who would want to? Besides, after using Brian’s shower and finding nothing but orange peels, you’re gonna need some real soap when you get home.
Shove Some Incense Up There and Burn It All Down
Brian’s smell may be easy to get out of your clothes, but it’s hard to get out of your mind, so shove some incense up your regret hole! I have been told by no fewer than 11 doctors that this is unsanitary and also a fire hazard, but you know what those doctors have in common? They’ve never met Brian. So stick some incense up your vagina. If you’re a goddamn sissy, you can stick only the wood handles in there, not the part that burns down. But you’ll still probably get splinters. Repeat this (if you’re physically healed enough to do so) every time you think about how Brian refused to take off his leather jacket during sex.
Change Your Name, Your Vagina’s Name, Dye Both Sets of Hair a Different Color, and Start a New Life Somewhere Far Away
Let’s be honest, you need a whole new identity after Brian, and so do your genitals. Say your vagina was named “The Admiral.” Just an example. There’s no need to read into my example. Promote that vagina to vice admiral, dye your hair, and start a new life in a new town. Also, if your boobs have names, you’re going to want to rename those, too. Rename all your parts. Put them in witness protection. It’s Brian. I’m sure a lawyer will help you put your boobs in witness protection over Brian. That has “pro bono charity work” written all over it.
Remember, any sacrifice is worth forgetting about sex with Brian.