5 Kegel Exercises So Loud Even Your Family Will Know You’re Doing Them

April 23, 2018 by , featured in Health
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So here’s a thing we need to talk about to literally everyone at all times: vaginal health. Along with weekly steamings, crystalings and exorcisms, Kegel exercises are a wonderful way to keep your vagina healthy and refreshed. But as long as vaginal health is still wrongfully considered taboo it’s not enough to just do Kegels, you have to scream Kegels. Especially at work or around your family! That’s why we’ve compiled a list of Kegel exercises that are so loud everyone in your vicinity can hear you’re doing them. These vaginal exercises aren’t just healthy, they’re fun conversation starters! Because you literally can’t ignore them.

1. The Squat n’ Grunt:

Grunt Kegel

Squat over your yoga mat, desk chair, or break room conference table and do rapid reps consisting of three Kegels each. With each rep grunt loudly like a chimp. Tap into your primal, inner chimp that ripped that woman’s face off in 2009. Grunt like you’ve never grunted before. Healthy tip: If you’re doing your exercises in the office break room (and everyone should be doing exercises in the office break room,) try to grunt so loudly that Cheryl is afraid to reach into the fridge for her Yoplait light and fit. That stuff’s full of sugar. You’re doing her a favor.

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2. The Cleansing Scream

Scream Kegel

Catharsis is important, especially when you’re doing Kegels. Each time you do a Kegel, let out a loud, piercing scream. This exercise is especially good in crowded areas, like airports and places of worship, where a lot of people might otherwise be unaware you’re doing Kegels.

 

3. The “I’m Doing Kegels Right Now!” Kegels

Totally Doing KegelsThis is the simplest exercise in the bunch. Do six rapid Kegels followed by six rapid screams of “I’m Doing Kegels Right Now!” This exercise may be simple but it’s important you don’t get interrupted for any reason, at any time. If you haven’t finished your six screams, don’t let anyone interrupt your flow even for a so called “emergency.” Brett can get his own hand out of the garbage disposal for once, you’re doing Kegels!

4. The Vent Duct Challenge

Vent KegelDoes your doctor’s office, home or place of business have vents large enough for a human to crawl into? That means you can participate in the vent duct challenge! The most popular and controversial internet challenge to date! Crawl into those ducts and start doing your Kegels. Your voice will reverberate and everyone in the entire building will know what you’re up to! What a fun not spooky way to bring vaginal health to the forefront of everyone’s discussion at once.

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5. “I Wish You Were Never Born” Squeezes

Family Kegel
No one wants me near their kids so I improvised

Finally, we get to the family aspect of this headline that makes loud kegels especially important. Are you doing these Kegels because you’re insecure after having had children? Even though countless studies show you have no reason to be troubled, your children should know about your insecurities over vaginal tightness. Break those taboos! Children should be made aware of your internalized misogyny, and we do mean ‘internalized!’ For these exercises, squeeze your muscles tightly and hold your breath for a count of five. After each count, exhale with a loud, healthy chant of “I WISH YOU WERE NEVER BORN!”

Happy Kegeling!


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5 Comments

  1. You are wonderful. Don’t ever let anyone tell you you’re not. You’re truly hilarious, but there’s a lot of wisdom beneath eat.

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