My Sex Robot Can Love, But It Can’t Find My Clitoris

When I first bought my exclusive, top-of-the-line sex robot, I thought it would be a pretty standard setup. You know, for sex. Like it says right there in the name. Little did I know I had actually purchased a $10,000 robot programmed to simulate love. That’s right, my A.I. sex robot showers me with love and affection all the livelong day. And while it might sound amazing (the science sure is), it’s alarming that at such a price, the damn thing can’t even find my clitoris.

It’s Sad, I Know

Sure, it knows to get me my favorite La Croix flavor whenever I’m feeling down, but it then proceeds to cry for the rest of the day because it can’t stand seeing me sad. I can only get it to calm down by allowing it to cuddle me while we watch The Notebook. Who the fuck watches The Notebook? My sad sack of a sex robot, that’s who. It then proceeds to go down on me. Which might sound great, but in this case just means fumbling around between my legs for 40 seconds before coming back up and asking if it was as good for me as it was for it. God forbid I say no, because it’ll just start weeping again, saying I do not love it. Or worse, complain about a neck spasm. What kind of a sex robot gets a neck spasm?!

Things Only Got Worse

Yes, I had an embarrassing show-and-tell tutorial with my sex robot. I regard the whole experience as a major low point in my life. But it’s A.I., so it should be able to learn, right? Imagine, then, my shock and horror when the thing stood up and declared, “I love you, but the clitoris is overrated.” I kid you not. What kind of a sex robot is this? After doing a little more research on the product, I discovered that it was created by an all-male team at a corporation that doesn’t appear to employ a single actual woman—which makes a lot of sense honestly. I just seriously wish my Consumer Reports had mentioned this somewhere.

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