I’m Worried My Kids Aren’t Weird Enough For Homeschooling
I have to admit I never thought I’d consider homeschooling my kids. My wife and I just aren’t those types of parents, if you know what I mean. But when we moved from our suburban home to a more overburdened school district, we weren’t left with many choices. The public schools were a disaster, the magnet schools filled up, and the private schools cost a fortune. And so, after some tough talks, my wife and I made the difficult decision to educate them ourselves. But, as we begin this new journey, one worry has haunted us. Are our kids even weird enough to make it as homeschoolers? Will they be able to keep up with all those little creeps, goobers, freak-balls and toenail-chewers? I’m just not convinced.
Unleashing Their Inner-Weirdos
We’ve done everything we can think of to get them ready. They’ve moved back into our bedroom, even though they’re 5 and 9. My wife has begun breastfeeding the younger one again, after a four-year break. I’ve also got them going on auditions during pilot season, and berating them whenever they don’t book a part. Pretty standard stuff for a homeschooling curriculum, from what I understand, but it just doesn’t seem to be getting through.
Neither of them have emotional breakdowns when we leave the room, and our oldest, Danny, still has all kinds of friends, even though my wife and I constantly talk shit about their parents in front of him.
And then there’s the issue of vaccinations. Can someone explain to me how I’m supposed to un-vaccinate my kids, when they’ve been happily, and fully vaccinated for years now? I’ve banned modern medicine from our home, instead giving them tinctures of Chinese herbs I ordered off the Dark Web, but they’ve somehow stayed healthy, despite my suspicion it’s just toilet water.
The Unmistakable Stench of Normalcy
They’re just too normal! And, believe me, the other homeschooling families are starting to notice. When we meet up with their little dweebs, it’s clear my normies aren’t fitting in. Frankly, I can’t take the parents’ side-eye anymore. Now, they don’t say anything, and they actually seem pretty normal themselves, if I’m being honest, but I know they’re talking about us. I just want to scream, “I’m trying, you nose pickers!”
And before you say it’s our fault, my wife and I have fully committed to this lifestyle. We’ve both quit our jobs, and decided we’d earn all of our money though their acting work. In addition, I’ve quit therapy and have gone off my anti-anxiety medication. I’ve stopped talking to our friends and family, and don’t really speak to any adults outside of the mailman.
We’ve also made the choice to become Christians, just to see if we can wring any weirdness out of that. And not one of those bland born-agains. We’re the “speaking in tongues, holding snakes” type. I’ve got the kids reading The Bible for 5 hours a day, but they keep approaching it from a historical point of view, and having cogent thoughts about religion’s role in society. It’s a mess.
A Two-Way Street
No matter how hard my wife and I try to screw them up, if the kids don’t commit, it just won’t work. We ask them to eat glue. They aren’t interested. We leave dead animals in their room. They go untouched. We have play dates with deeply depressed imaginary friends. They think I’m weird for doing it!
So when can we expect them to start creeping us out? Do I need to lock them in the basement? What about Scientology? Is that a thing I need to get involved with? I’m not the type to admit failure, but if I go one more night without one of them wetting the bed, I may just lose my mind. No one told me this was going to be so hard. I get why most parents just settle for public schools now.
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…