Crafty, Eco-Friendly (Money-Saving!) Tips
Are you a poor person who has hands? Then use these crafty, eco-friendly tips to save money and Mother Gaia, may She dwell forever in the Anthropologie store at the center of the Earth. By investing a little time and creativity, you too can impress your friends and co-op cohabitants! Not only that, but you’ll be cutting the strings of the kleptocracy that keeps all good things in a state of oppression. Enjoy!
Did you know toothpaste is just an abrasive element and flavoring? Make your own organic, awful-tasting (and therefore effective) toothpaste using nothing but a ziploc bag, sand, and some sprigs of mint from your herb garden. Don’t forget to rinse with flouride, which can be easily derived by exposing sulfuric acid to any fluorspar or other calcium fluoride-rich ore you have lying around.
Don’t toss those to-go coffee heat sleeves! De-corrugate them with a non-abrasive saltwater soak (we recommend Himalayan pink salt blocks powdered with a sledgehammer). Then dye them with muddled blueberry skins or red beetle shellac from your herb garden, and create a colorful collage for your baby’s nanny’s baby’s room! She’ll not only appreciate the gesture, it will be a constant reminder that you are watching her every move.
Like every single person reading this, my family’s primary challenge is the big, rotting pile of quinoa husks in our yard, stinking in the sun as we suck down bushel after bushel. We’ve tried cooking them, eating them (which worked, but we stopped on principle), burning them, even frightening them away by having the whole family jam on our rainsticks. If someone can find any kind of use for these, please contact Bunny Ears immediately. My family is drowning in husks. I fear for our safety.
Lithium-Ion Phone Batteries
Don’t get caught in the never-ending loop of iPhone upgrades! As we now know, a primary reason for phone slowdown is Apple’s intentional favoring of phones with fresher batteries. You can turn that bias to your advantage, by making your own Li-Ion battery right in your kitchen. First, you’ll need a trace amount of Cobalt, which can be obtained with the simple purchase of a franchise share in any number of third-world mining operations. As the major carriers already have Africa locked up, we recommend investing in the burgeoning Vietnamese market. Vietnamese children get low-paid, back-breaking labor, and you get apps faster than you got them previously! That’s what we call a win-Nguyen situation!
Like every single person reading this, the only thing that distracts me from the ever-encroaching death-by-quinoa-husk-suffocation I live every day in mortal terror of, is knitting. Whether it’s a baby’s hat for some bitch nanny’s bastard baby, or a scarf, which is easier, my handy bamboo knitting needles are always at my side. But did you know those needles can do a lot more than just create a string of purls? When not in use, jam them into your eye sockets; we sell knit baby hats for 65 dollars a pop on the site and we don’t need the competition.