I Thought My Clay Face Mask Clogged My Sink But I Actually Created An Unstoppable Golem
I’ve tried all kinds of skin care routines, but nothing really fit until I discovered this amazing face mask. It’s a very thick clay mask that feels great on the skin and really sucks the dirt out of pores. Eventually, though, I ran into some trouble with the thick clay clogging up my sink. At least, that’s what I thought was happening.
It started small. My sink just drained a little slower than usual. As I continued to use the mask, the problems grew until a clay brick was lodged in my drain. I called a plumber, but when he tried to clear the block, there was an immediate, low guttural growl. The golem wasted no time in reducing him to fingernails and a bloody pipe wrench.
That first death was a total shock. The second was still technically an accident. But he kept insisting that if I continued to feed him, I’d have more followers than Priyanka Chopra. I decided at the time that, while tempting, no amount of new age money was worth that much blood on my hands, but when the police arrived, I couldn’t not see the obvious benefits of both feeding my golem and covering up the plumber’s death in one fell swoop.
The whole situation was so stressful I started to break out. So, you see, I had no choice bt to apply another clay mask after an ordeal like that.
At this point, my life has become a series of breakouts mixed with intermittent murder. It was weird at first, but it’s beginning to feel like a routine. While watching Karlo (as I’ve since learned he calls himself) burst out of my drain was terrifying, it turns out there are a lot of convenient uses for a pet golem. Have you ever considered how malleable clay is? It can transform into anything … or anyone. There was a condo I was desperately trying to purchase last year, but an expecting couple put in a higher bid. Good ol’ Karlo took on the appearance of the soon-to-be-mother and told the real estate agent to perform obscene acts with her lockbox. Bank security guards, my office manager, the barista of my fave coffee joint—Karlo has learned to perfectly mimic all of their mannerisms.
Nobody has managed to figure it out yet, and as long as I keep up with my beauty routine, they never will. With each application, Karlo grows larger and hungrier, and soon, there will always be enough of him to be in every place I need him. There’s no turning back now, even if I wanted to. Did I mention how smooth my skin is?
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…