“Real River Water Is All I Drink,” Crossfit Expert Piper Jackson
I Drink Water From A River.
Hello. My name is Piper Jackson, and every morning I wake up and drink real river water.
Yes, you read that right: I drink water from a river.
River water- real river water– is the purest form of H2O you can get. There are no chemicals added to it, no plastic bottle poisoning it, and no money-hungry chain megastore charging me for it. Real river water is healthy, essential, and free. A lot of people will tell you that drinking unfiltered water from the outdoors is “risky” and “bad for you.” They’ll try to intimidate you with buzzwords like “dirty” and “unsanitary” and “sewage runoff.” Ugh. Give me a break. Real river water is the healthiest thing I put in my body every day.
You’ll notice I use the modifier “real” when discussing river water. That’s because there are companies out there trying to sell you THEIR version of “organic” water (a.k.a. “raw” water, whatever that is). I can tell you one thing: I know my river water is real because I bathe in it!
Yep, that’s right! Every morning I strip down completely naked and jump into a river. Once I’m submerged, I don’t come back to dry land until I drink my way out! Ok, ok, that’s a little far-fetched. Even I couldn’t drink a whole river. (Believe me, I have tried- my conditioning levels aren’t *quite* there yet.) But seriously- I do get in the river completely naked. And once I’m in, I start scrubbing and chugging. Because that’s the perfect way to prepare my body for an intense day of sets and reps. And supersets. And explosive dynamite reps!
My Pipin’ Hot Morning Routine
For reference, my morning pre-CrossFit ritual is as follows:
- Wake up fully-clothed
- Remove my clothes
- Get in the river
- Drink up!
- Grab the day by the nuts and CRUSH EVERYTHING (a.k.a. totally dominate every moment for 24 hours straight a.k.a. come in Pipin’ Hot a.k.a. #CrushEverything)
- DO IT AGAIN TOMORROW!
- …AND THE NEXT DAY!!!
The Science Behind it All
The science behind river water is simple. I discuss it frequently on my Podcast The Pipin’ Hot Podcast with Piper Jackson (You can check out The Pipin’ Hot Podcast with Piper Jackson on iTunes, SoundCloud, and Modern Christianity Online. And, hey- leave a review, ya freeloaders!) so I won’t bore you with the details here. Suffice to say it’s the neutrinos in the unfiltered river water that make all the difference. To put it simply, neutrinos are the most crucial component of water molecules because they refresh your body for each rep and each set and you can be #RealRiverWaterStrong just like me. Look. You can look up all the nerdy details all you want. The bottom line is, I know for a fact that I am the strongest person at my CrossFit box. So, uhh, yeah, I think I believe in the power of the neutrinos. Lol.
River Water isn’t Just for Breakfast Anymore
I don’t just have river water in the AM. I chug real river water all damn day long. It keeps me going strong through my grueling morning CrossFit WOD, my afternoon swim-run underwater sprints (which I actually do above water to shock my nervous system), and my pre-dusk breath-hold syncopated pause-stop-jumps (which I do on an empty stomach just after eating a gigantic dinner).
Could I get all my reps in without river water? The answer to that question is both a) I don’t know, and b) I don’t WANT to know. What I do know, is that I don’t believe in science unless I can see it, and feel it. And after a day of drinking 19 liters of pure river water, believe me, I can feel it. Sure seems “real” to me!
Still doubt me? Still think drinking unfiltered river water straight from the source while bathing in it at the same time is crazy? Still think I’m a fraud or an idiot or a liar or a scam artist or a phony or a quack? That’s fine; the proof is in the pudding. For those of you who still think I’m looney toons, here’s some pipin’ hot truth for you: MY NAME IS PIPER JACKSON AND I DRINK RIVER WATER EVERY GODDAMN DAY AND GUESS WHAT I’M NAKED WHILE I DO IT.