This month’s Bunny Ears free horoscope is all about knowing your innermost self. Specifically in the form of what venereal disease you’re carrying in your body at this very moment as you read this. Enjoy!
Aries: Herpes. We know you were really hoping that whole “situation” down there was just heat rash, or perhaps a bad reaction to that new body wash. But you 100% have herpes, and you 100% got it from Devon.
Taurus: Gonorrhea. That’s right—for better or worse, you have the Clap, Taurus. But don’t worry: The old Gon-Gon is 100% treatable with antibiotics, and 50% of people infected don’t even experience symptoms. So it’s basically the best one! (Unless, of course, you have Gonorrhea of the anus, in which case we offer our most sincere condolences to you and your bung).
Gemini: Syphilis (Stage 2). You likely thought those open genital sores were just good old- fashioned bee stings, but alas, you officially have an infamous and highly-infectious bacterial infection. The good news is the disease is only in its secondary-phase, meaning it’s still highly treatable. So get yourself over to the doctor ASAP, and for the love of God stop rubbing your bare genitals against the fridge in the break room.
Cancer: Syphilis (Stage 4): Wow! We can’t believe you’re even reading this! Late-stage syphilis is marked by hearing loss, blindness, and dementia. Seriously, how did you even load this site?
Leo: A Yeast infection of the mouth. We know, we know—oral thrush isn’t technically a VD. But you can definitely get it from sex stuff (aka, rubbing your mouth up in someone’s dank and yeasty genitals…no judgment!). Also, we genuinely can’t believe you needed us to tell you. It’s really obvious and everyone’s been talking about it.
Virgo: Chlamydia. Sorry, Virgo—you have plain, boring-old Chlamydia. Just make sure you get it treated by a medical professional before it makes you sterile (unless you want to be sterile and get a rush from the burning sensation when you pee. In which case, take your time!).
Libra: Crabs. You officially have pubic lice, mon frere. But you probably already knew that based on the intense itching/hundreds of wingless insects colonizing your crotch. You should probably stop hanging out with Devon.
Scorpio: Genital Warts. The bad news is, genital warts have no known cure. There is no good news.
Sagittarius: Hepatitis B. Hepatitis B usually spreads through semen or blood. Which makes it odd that you got yours from open-mouth kissing all those cats.
Capricorn: You also have Crabs! Fucking Devon.
Aquarius: Chancroid. Not many people in developed nations get Chancroid, let alone have even heard of it. Which means you should wear your many genital ulcers as a badge of honor. You’re like a war hero, but with penis sores.
Pisces: Good news—you’re VD-free! But you’ve got a massive brain tumor. Sorries!