Forget Rejuvenation! Get Gordon Ramsay To Yell Angry Encouragement At Your Vagina
Vaginal rejuvenation surgery is very popular among rich, straight, cis female readers, but is it really necessary? After all, most of those readers don’t realize their husband definitely fucked a couch in middle school. Your vagina is perfectly fine the way it is—men will have sex with it and literally anything else on the planet. But if you’re feeling insecure, there’s a less drastic measure you can take to get your vagina to shape up! We are, of course, talking about getting Gordon Ramsay to yell angry encouragement at it.
Although this treatment may be slightly less physically invasive, that doesn’t mean it’s easy. If your vagina is sensitive to swearing, this treatment is not for you, but for emotionally stable vaginas, the best way to shape up is a series of harsh truths from a lovable but anal retentive British chef. (Please don’t ask Gordon to yell his angry encouragement at your anus. We have a pending court case.)
You may suffer some public humiliation. Gordon may ask diners to leave your vagina before they’re finished. That’s all part of the process, and it’s well worth it! Think about how tight and efficient your idiot sandwich is going to be after Gordon Ramsay yells at it! Let’s just hope he doesn’t find a mouse in there. How embarrassing!
How do you go about getting this treatment? First, tweet at Gordon Ramsay to yell angry encouragement at your vagina.
Then, send a video to Gordon’s production team about your vagina. And another. And another. Be sure to get the attention of both the British and American TV networks he works with. And their employees. And his employees. And mother. And definitely his wife. His wife is very, very aware of our requests at this point. We have received several warning letters. But again, this is all part of the process. It shouldn’t be easy. Do you think they hand out Michelin stars to just any vagina? Of course not. If you want vaginal prestige, you’re going to have to work for it.
The next step is to lure Gordon to your next gynecological appointment. This means you will have to find a gynecologist that serves beef Wellington. Normally, Bunny Ears only recommends gynecologists that provide healthy, meat-free options, but this is a special case. Please note that Gordon will be able to tell if your gynecologist’s beef Wellington was frozen. The same goes for your eggs. He’s a very discerning man.
If you manage this, you’ll be in a room with Gordon Ramsay himself, and you can voice your concerns in earnest about how your vagina has gone out of fashion and is no longer profitable. This should prompt him to yell his angriest, most biting encouragement until your vagina shapes up. So much easier than surgery! Good luck!
If you have been successful in getting Gordon Ramsay to yell angry encouragement at your vagina and would like to invite the Bunny Ears staff to your vagina’s grand re-opening, please email us at [email protected]