If You Love Your Daughter, You Will Hire A Menstrual Coach

This article has been sponsored by the Association of Accredited Menstrual Coaches.

The road to womanhood can be a terrifying and perilous journey. If you want your daughter to survive menarche with her fragile adolescent mind in tact, you must hire a menstrual coach. What are menstrual coaches? They’re an organization of professionals licensed to guide your daughter through her transformation to biological adulthood. They will teach her vital menstrual skills, enabling her to glide through her period like a bleeding gazelle in ways that a layperson just can’t.

For example, did you know that store-bought tampons are made from a variety of horrifying materials? Rayon, dioxin, chlorine, BPAs, MSG—you’ll find some of these in the ingredients list and all of them in posts on poorly designed blogs. Your vagina is a temple. Would you shove garbage in a temple to keep it from leaking? Your daughter must be taught how to weave her own tampons out of hair collected from the mane of a thoroughbred horse.

Did you know women can willfully synchronize their periods? All it takes is a simple blood-pact ritual conducted at midnight when the moon is a waxing gibbous. Your daughter and her close friends must sit in a circle of aromatic candles and pray to Ama-arhus, the Babylonian fertility goddess. Done incorrectly, this procedure may provoke the wrath of Ama-arhus and cause catastrophic crimson floods across the globe, so it is critical that you have one of our licensed coaches on hand to guide your daughter and her friends through the process. However, once they have synchronized their periods, their minds will be eternally linked, allowing them access to each other’s knowledge and secrets.

Your daughter will no longer see her period as a punishment inflicted upon her by an angry god but a gift from the infinitely benevolent yet moody Ama-arhus once our coaches teach her to harness the lunar power of the menstrual cycle. The key lies in the “phases” of her menstrual cycle, which can each be weaponized to destroy her competition, whether at school, in love, or with her future job as the CEO of a company that sells natural horse hair tampons. Her menstrual coach will show your daughter exactly how to navigate the rivers of success hormones flowing through her during the follicular phase right through the bone-crushing power of the actual menstruation phase. With enough practice, it’s possible that she could literally crush bones.

But you can only reap those benefits by hiring one of our coaches! Visit our website to find an accredited menstrual coach* near you today.

*Results of using an accredited menstrual coach may vary. Menstrual coaches are not liable for the wrath of Ama-arhus, and no refunds are given in the event of mere flesh-crushing. The accreditation board consists of three middle-aged women in turbans behind the Ralph’s who are not accountable to any government body or, indeed, anyone.