EXCLUSIVE INVESTIGATION: Do Planets Have Feelings?

March 27, 2018 by , featured in Spiritual Wellness
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Of all the mysteries contained in this vast, wondrous universe, none has gripped philosophers, scientists, and amateur stargazers as tightly as one burning question, deceptively childlike in its simplicity yet so implacably difficult as to thwart centuries of tireless investigation by the world’s best minds. That question is, do planets have feelings?

It’s a question all of us have asked at one time or another, as we share a picnic blanket under the stars with our high school sweetheart or pause between hammer strikes as we bludgeon a stray cat to death to glare mistrustfully at the moon. Are those giant glowing orbs, spinning around up there in infinite blackness like the blades of a private helicopter, happy? Are they sad? Perhaps they’re racist, hurling epithets at our tiny blue dot like debris from an exploded star. We can’t know – we’ll be long dead by the time any of their hateful speech reaches us. The onus is on us to find the answer to this question, because our continued support of NASA, astrophysics, and the exploration of space would become problematic if it’s going to lead to the colonization of a bunch of racist planets. (Of course, our support will continue either way, our destiny lies in the Virgin Airlines shuttle that eventually takes us to Mars while the poors overrun Earth and deplete it to ashes like a bunch of locusts we inexplicably gave the right to vote, but before we get there it would be nice to know whether the Red Planet is leading an existence of contentment or despair, and whether or not it finds the word “Red” offensive.)

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To solve this mystery, let’s examine what we know about the planets:

They’re distant. The planets are very far away from us, and, consequently, from each other. Must be lonely. Probably too far to hold a conversation, and definitely too far for a comforting hug or a smooch. Sure, there’s rocks and stuff swirling around them, Saturn’s got those rings made of ice, but have you ever tried to smooch a rock? It’s bullshit. Conclusion: Planets might be lonely.

do planets have feelings
Why so serious?

None of them are smiling. This stands as powerful evidence both for and against the existence of planetary feelings. Sure, it could be they aren’t smiling because they are inanimate celestial giants, devoid of feeling. But it could also be that they aren’t smiling because they’re all miserable (see “distant lonely planets,” above). There also exists a third possibility, which is that they aren’t smiling because they don’t have mouths or faces. Conclusion: Inconclusive.

They don’t follow my dog’s Instagram account. Dr. Barks has over 10,000 followers, and not a single one of them claims an orbit in our galaxy. Sure, you can argue that maybe there just aren’t any wireless providers that offer coverage beyond the asteroid belt, but it is highly suspicious. Dr. Barks is adorable, and only a moldering husk of negativity could resist clicking that heart button after seeing one of his pics. Conclusion: Planets might hate dogs.

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There is no evidence they have watched The Hangover trilogy. If you ask anyone, right now, what are the funniest movies of all time, every single person would answer “The Hangover trilogy” without hesitation. And yet we can find not a single shred of evidence that Jupiter, Saturn, or any of their cousins have ever seen it. What are we to make of this information? Could it be that the planets don’t have a sense of humor, or that they don’t appreciate fine art? Or do they just not have an adequate streaming service? They also don’t have eyes, but only maybe 30% of the jokes in The Hangover trilogy are visual, so we shouldn’t make any assumptions. Also their eyes might be very tiny and thus invisible to our telescopes. Conclusion: Planets aren’t funny, and are possibly blind.

do planets have feelings
Author’s rendering of the solar system.

Thanks to our inquisitiveness, and the power of deductive reasoning, we now know that the planets almost certainly have feelings, but are very private about them. They don’t want to share their joy, but they also don’t want to burden us with their self-doubt and probable blindness. Colonization may begin in earnest.


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5 Comments

  1. We have to think about what Pluto might felt, when scientists categorised it as a minor-planet back in 2006. It must be still really sad about it even now, though…

  2. I can’t bring myself to mess about with any of the other inner-belt planets. Mercury is so flighty. If we go to Venus, we’re pretty much bound to get screwed. Mars just seems like not my kind of planet.

    Jupiter has an eye, but the eye always seems blood-shot. He either has a drinking problem , or else he’s a heuristically programmed algorithmic planet. In either case, I say we avoid the guy like the plague. In the latter case, he may well be hell-bent on destroying us. In the former case, we have to face the possibility that he could be an angry drunk. He’s also a bit of a racist, since he demands white sacrifices only.

    Saturn? Well, let’s just say it’s pretty obvious where Jupiter got his drinking problem from. Since he’s not much recognized for his self-moderation, it’s pretty obvious where that middle-aged spread comes from.

    Uranus has always struck me as a bit testy, ironically. Neptune always seems pretty blue, so I think we’d best avoid him, too. Nobody likes a Debbie Downer. Pluto…well, I imagine Pluto’s got some pretty serious self-esteem issues, and he strikes me as a bit cold.

  3. I don’t know about the planets individually but I know Solar Systems have feelings. For instance, Kepler-90 is all arrogant and shit since it’s the new kid on the block. And Trappist-1… don’t even get me started. Totally impotent. Our Solar System seems like it is just complacent, almost to a fault. And you know what? That attitude is going to bite us in the ass one day.

  4. I think we are responsible for the planets feelings and mood swings. Everything alive has feelings and when combined, creates the planets ‘personality’. We all share the fate.
    I like to imagine planets communicate. Isn’t the Milky Way family Planning to party with Andromeda? It’s happening very slowly from our perspective, but if a year is like a day to our planet, then it makes sense. Forgive my mathematical ignorance, I’m a dreamer not an academic.

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