Improve Your Life Using Voodoo: The Ultimate #Lifehack
Did you know that lifehacks have been around for centuries, long before the birth of the digital revolution? Way before you could use your shoe as a makeshift cup-holder or a tennis ball as a catch-all storage device, societies around the world basically invented the lifehack through the ceremonial practice of Voodoo! Shockingly, modern lifehack gurus have yet to connect the dots between the spiritual world of old and the on-the-move societies in order to push lifehacks to their fullest potential. Leave it to Bunny Ears to dust off some dark tomes, shake up your schedule, and break out the Voodoo that would do you some good with these ultimate lifehacks!
Voodoo Lifehack #1: Save Your Paid Time Off and Give Your Coworkers Diverticulitis!
What You Need:
(1) Strand of Hair from Your Victim
(2) Ounces of Human Blood
(6) Miscellaneous Chicken Bones
(6) Individual Florida Starbush Flowers
(6) Ounces of Olibanum
(½) Ounce of Dead Sea Salt
When you’re working your butt off to provide for yourself and your family, you know how important that paid time-off can be. When urgent and unexpected situations arise, you never want to dip into your precious vacation or sick days, but ultimately, you know you can’t afford to lose the money either. So what are your options when you’re seemingly out of options?
Voodoo, of course! Mix the aforementioned ingredients in a pot and/or cauldron, perform a ritualistic song of your choosing, and watch as each of your co-workers come down with a debilitating case of diverticulitis! Since the disease isn’t contagious, your employer will be mystified by the outbreak, and will probably close your office until the matter is investigated by the Health Department. Besides, diverticulitis is (usually) not fatal, so you come out of this ordeal with a clean conscience and a clean bill of health! Before you know it, you’ve got the days off that you need, and you’ll eventually come back to work with your paid time off still intact!
Bonus Lifehack: If a co-worker happens to die, most employers offer consequence-free bereavement leave!
Voodoo Lifehack #2: Save Money By Trapping Dead Souls in Photographs!
What You Need:
(1) Film Photograph of Yourself with the Deceased
(2) Pints of Cow Blood
(16) Miscellaneous Chicken Bones
(4) Grams of Rosemary
(1) Beloved Item of the Deceased
(1) Clean Human Skull
Funerals are not only sad, but they can be outright expensive at times. With the money you’re spending on flowers, nice clothes, and condolence cards, sometimes you’ll wish that you were dead. Luckily, Voodoo has you covered in more than a few ways.
However, if you want to save some dough and do your part in celebrating the dearly departed, get the ingredients above, mix and boil everything but the photograph within the acquired human skull, and voila! Your dead friend will be back, in conscious photograph form, and that way, you can get out of having to go to the funeral entirely! It’s the gift that keeps on grieving!
Bonus Lifehack: Since you must use film, invest in a Polaroid camera that highlights your love for nostalgia and will make you the center of attention at every party!
Voodoo Lifehack #3: Loud Neighbors? Don’t Get Mad; Get Justice!
What You Need:
(2) Ounces of Haitian Vetiver
(5) Feet of Twine
(1) Miscellaneous Chicken Bone
(1) Lock of Hair from Your Victim
(1) Bug of Your Choice
We’ve all had our fair share of neglectful neighbors. Yet beyond those with the occasional or accidental rudeness, some neighbors are absolute nightmares, keeping you up with loud noises or arguments at all hours of the night. Before you know it, you’re calling the landlord, or, even worse, the authorities, and you don’t need them sniffing around your business, especially if you’re doing these spells, er, lifehacks in chronological order.
So take on this simple arts-and-crafts project and put the kibosh on this noisy nonsense! Create a small doll out of twine around any bug, apply the vetiver and hair, and you’ve got yourself a bona fide voodoo doll! From there, just wish that their tongues turn into your chosen bug and they’ll be calling medical experts in no time!
Bonus Lifehack: Simply replace hairs between victims in order to create a reusable, eco-friendly voodoo doll.
Voodoo Lifehack #4: Problematic Teacher? Take them to School… BLOOD SCHOOL!
What You Need:
(3) Ounces of Human Urine
(21) Grams of Holy Basil
(21) Miscellaneous Chicken Bones
(1) Crocodile Eye
(1) Example of Your Victim’s Handwriting
Being a parent is never easy, but since we’ve all been through the public school system ourselves, we all know that some teachers can make our lives harder than it needs to be. Hell, sometimes, a teacher can have a full-blown vendetta against our wee ones, and complaints to higher-ups can often fall on deaf ears. Thankfully, it’s not a problem that a little lifehack can’t fix!
Combine the ingredients listed above, cook to a boil, and at the stroke of midnight, scream as loud as you can at the moon until it takes upon an orange tint. From that point on, any teacher that even thinks about giving your children bad grades will begin to profusely bleeding from their eyes and ears. Behold this lifehack at work as your kid gets an easy A and the terrible teacher gets an emergency transfusion of Type-A!
Bonus Lifehack: With school being such an important time for our youth, your child will be reinforced with a major confidence boost when the good grades start pouring in!
Voodoo Lifehack #5: Protect Your Home by Giving Your Furniture Sentience!
What You Need:
(1) Full Grown Cubeb
(8) Ground Up Teeth
(55) Miscellaneous Chicken Bones
(1) Adult Finger
(1) Ghost Pepper
(2) Cups of Coconut Milk
There’s a lot of danger in the world, and there’s few things as scary as a home invasion. Sure, you could invest in an alarm system or buy a big dog to ward off potential intruders, but what if that’s simply not enough?
Well, with this easy lifehack, any poor soul who breaks into your domain will have to go toe-to-toe with anthropomorphic chairs, ottomans, and other furnishing that aim to smash their body into a heap of broken bones and torn muscles! You can rest easy knowing that your family is safe and sound while the bloodlust of possessed household items keeps an eye out for villains and burglars.
Bonus Lifehack: If someone you don’t like shows up to your house unexpectedly, feed them to your couch!
Hi Mac, I’m elon…
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