How To Give A Feminist Handjob
The modern straight woman has a delicate line to walk. She must assert her strength and independence while also satisfying her male partner. But how can you just sit there, stroking the very tool of your oppression, while women still earn 80 percent of what men do for the same work — and just to please one of those men? If the world were fair, you’d be ripping his balls off! That’s why we here at Bunny Ears developed the definitive guide to giving a feminist handjob.
The key to a feminist handjob is making sure he knows how truly disinterested you are in him and his pleasure.
Look away. Yawn. Occasionally grumble about how bored you are, how much you’d rather be watching The Crown, and how weird his dick is. (Pro Tip: Make sure you’re not dealing with the kind of guy who’s actually into humiliation and debasement. The last thing you want is for him to get off on this.)
Also, make sure he’s not physically enjoying it, either. Be, like, kind of rough, but not in an obvious battery way OR in a way that he’ll like, either. Use your nails — you didn’t get those dagger-sharp acrylics for nothing! If he voices his displeasure, remind him he’s free to get up and leave anytime he wants and then recite Ruth Bader Ginsberg’s life story from memory. Do the same if he voices any pleasure.
The last step is the most crucial:
Suddenly realize that participating in sexual activity you don’t actually desire isn’t very feminist and stop right before he comes. He’ll either be furious or fall madly in love with you, begging for more. Either way, you’ve gotten a reaction from him, and isn’t what men think feminism is really all about?
Join the Conversation
Leave a comment
Meet Our New Au Pair, The Goblin King
Fall Trends: What’s In (Plaid!) And What’s Out (All Of Your Most Closely Guarded Secrets)
We Cracked Open Old Video Game Hardware And Ate What Was Inside
7 Fragrances That Will Remind You Grandma’s Gone Forever
Pro tip from my ex: at some point stare at him and say “is that what you want?” not in any sexy way, just in a vaguely demeaning manner. A sneer helps.
And they wonder why they can’t ever get married
If you aren’t interested in giving him a handjob, why agree to it in the first place?
This could be considered abusive, in case you’re wondering.