Summer Cocktail Recipes That I Will Not Let My Wife Take In The Divorce!

After such a rough-and-tumble winter, Summer cannot get here fast enough. Yeah, isn’t Summer GREAT?! Everyone likes to party during the Summer, right?!

I remember the summer, back when I was a bartender before I met Ashlee, that- you know what? Not gonna say it. I bet she’s got her lawyer reading this shit now. Well, for once, it’s not about her: it’s about YOU!

That’s what a GREAT husband and a GREAT father does; he goes out of his way to help the needy! I mean, not in a “sell prescription medicine in the parking lot of your kids’ high school” way, which I have never and would never do. But in a “share my personal drink recipes on Macaulay Culkin’s lifestyle website” way! So break out those little umbrellas, dust off your shot glasses, and prepare for a Summer you’ll never remember with these five cocktail recipes that I will absolutely not let my goddamn wife take in our divorce!

1. Mother Russia

1 1/2 oz. Smirnoff Kissed Caramel Vodka
3 oz. Disaronno Amaretto
2 oz. Half and Half
4 oz. Almond Milk

If you’ve got that party rock blaring,but don’t want your whole neighborhood shook, this drink will get your smaller social gatherings bumping, especially if you’re in the mood for a sweet, relaxing treat. Just don’t relax too hard or maybe you’ll just get real comfortable, maybe forget a thing or two about a thing or two.

Hell, my soon-to-be-ex-wife would have you believe I had a baker’s dozen of these bad boys when I forgot to get my kids at the Airport. But before you judge me, ask yourself this: how was I supposed to know the kids were at the airport?! KIDS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE AT SCHOOL, NOT THE GOD-FORSAKEN AIRPORT! THAT IS NOT MY FAULT! I’M NOT GOD ASHLEE!!!

2. Tea of Dreams

2 oz. Captain Morgan Dark Rum
1 oz. Kraken Spiced Rum
6 oz. Lemon Sweetened Iced Tea [Suggested Brand: Brisk]
3 oz. Pineapple Soda

Oh, did someone bring LIT mix to your Summer jam? Pour it down the drain and step up your game with a drink so cool, you’ll be running for that thermostat! Be careful: after a few of these strong yet sweet beverages, who knows what can happen! Maybe you’ll be at your then-wife’s Christmas party, and maybe you’ll be in a big fucking screaming match because of an allegedly wandering eye.

Listen, am I guilty of looking at some women in a certain way? Sure, who isn’t? But I’m not doing anything wrong!

Imagine going to a restaurant, and you order a nice chicken dinner. But, at the table next to you, the waiter brings out a thick, juicy steak. Can I not take a second to enjoy the sights and smell of that steak?! It’s not like I’m just going to go over and start eating that steak, especially when it’s there with its fiancee! So what’s the big fucking deal?!

3. Doctor Jack

2 oz. Jack Daniels Whiskey
1 oz. McDowell’s Rum
1 oz. Grenadine
8 oz. Dr. Pepper

Woo hoo! Summer isn’t complete without a drink for all my country folk out there! This drink goes well with a bull machine, some B-B-Q, and, if it the evening calls for it, a pair of Daisy Dukes! Giddy up and get this down your gullet!

However, don’t expect any Southern hospitality if you’re guzzling these down in front of Ashlee’s pussy-ass brother! I don’t care who Jehovah is, and it’s been a while since I’ve seen Witness, but last time I checked you’re supposed to drink on your birthday! You sure as shit don’t come into my fucking house when I’ve got Kid Rock on the radio and tell me you can’t dance either. That’s a SIN TO ME!

Then you go tell my wife about it, and a week later, she’s hit the bricks? You better hope I don’t run into you in public, motherfucker! THEY WERE MY FAMILY, TOO!

4. Red Headtrip

3 oz. Absinthe
1 oz. Pinnacle County Fair Cotton Candy Flavored Vodka
6 oz. Mountain Dew Code Red
2 oz. Red Bull
Splash of Grenadine

You know what? I like to drink. I’ll be the first guy to admit it. But would I call it a “problem?” Uh, is being the life of the party a “problem?” Is getting wasted and gambling away our vacation savings for the third year in a row a “problem?” Sorry, but when it comes to partyin’, and being the party, and living the party 24/7, I’m the solution!

Also, if you’re so worried about finances, Ms. Wife of the Year, then maybe don’t give me so much shit when I pawn off my wedding ring. Why did I need some piece-of-shit ring when everyone everywhere already knew I had a bitch? Besides, you would have done the same thing. I see you texting all the time. I bet you were itching to get the ring off your finger.

Anyways, if you want to get fucked up, this drink’ll get you fucked up. Works for me.

5. Tequila Sunday

2 oz. Tequila
2 oz. Dr. McGillicuddy’s Cherry Liqueur
2 oz. Apple Juice
3 oz. Grape Juice
3 oz. Blood Orange Juice

Hey, if you start drinking on June 21, Summer only stops when you say it stops, you feel me? See, at the bottom of the glass, that’s where it all ends. That’s where your wife calls you a liar and a coward. That’s where your kids start telling their teachers that daddy is dead. That’s where the Judge tells you your license is suspended for six months and you’re lucky to be alive.

Never see the bottom of the glass, and you’ll still have your house, your kids, your dogs, and your wife. As long as I keep my glass full, she can’t take them from me! YOU HEAR THAT, ASHLEE?!