Yo, I’m not going to apologize for being a modern man. If you’re still listening to AM radio, paying for expensive-ass cable packages, and leaving the house for any reason whatsoever, I feel for you fam. It ain’t easy being an analog dinosaur looking at a digital extinction, but we both know your days are numbered. It’s about time you catch up with the times.
For me, being on the cutting edge isn’t enough. I’ve got two feet in the future, and I aim to stay ahead of the curve with a new, yet mad-simple philosophy.
I call it Podstyle, and all you have to do is follow one rule: disavow any product that hasn’t been advertised on a podcast.
Podcasts are the now; you literally need to be plugged in to get in on that ish. Anyone who listens to podcasts knows that every ad featured on these shows showcase some of the most convenient and exciting new ventures on the market today. So why live in the past with a bunch of old hoopla that you really don’t need when you can be going HAM on the next big things?
Believe me, I practice what I preach: I haven’t had a single bad night’s rest on either my Leesa or Casper mattresses, both of which I sleep on with no covers, blankets or pillows. The good news is I don’t need to worry about getting them dirty, thanks to my antimicrobial Mack Weldon underwear (promo code “bunny” for 20% off), which I wear under my comfortable pair of MeUndies. I don’t even have to worry about oversleeping thanks to my MVMT Watch, which has effectively replaced my alarm clock and cell phone as my only way to tell time. In fact, I refuse to look at any and all non-MVMT time-telling devices, period.
Besides, it’s not like I have any reason to stink up the place at all, seeing as my hygiene is on fleek with PodStyle. I’m shaving twice a day to make the most of my Dollar Shave Club and Harry’s Razors subscriptions, and I’ve been using my Quip toothbrush to help wipe the dead skin off of my face after taking care of my pearly whites. I’ve been in the best shape of my life thanks to DDP Yoga, despite not actively exercising in any other capacity since gyms are still advertising on television like the biggity-bitches they are. Hell, I’ve even been taking ForHims.com erectile dysfunction solutions, despite my dick working perfectly normal; my dick is like The Incredible Hulk now, I assume!
PodStyle has also revolutionized my diet, as I’ve gone from eating alone at night in my car to eating alone at night in my half-kitchen! I’m up to nine meals a day, courtesy of Blue Apron, HelloFresh, and NatureBox, all of which I’ve been cooking on my ManGrate grill. For my foodies looking for a little international flair to their meals, you can even add the taste of Italy to your dinner with Little Caesars’s Hot ‘N Ready Pizza. Since all y’all need a cheat day, though, I got you covered: Shari’s Berries delivers all year round, and is also healthy because of fruits. But if you want to stick to your diet, Rx Bar has got you covered.
Beyond sleeping and feeling good, PodStyle has turned me into the most swank looking M.F. in town, for real. I’ve built up a massive and borderline prohibitively expensive wardrobe thanks to my rotating outfits from Bonobos, Trunk Club, The Black Tux, and Podswag (for the casual night out.) Despite my 20/20 vision, I still sport a pair of Warby Parker sunglasses (it’s for the look; I don’t light it!) and I’ve also been rocking some super comfy socks from Bombas, which helps with the fact that I don’t wear shoes anymore. Though conventional belts are also out of the picture, living by PodStyle gave me an upgrade, as I’m the center of attention at the office with my Leather By Dan custom wrestling championship belt as the only solution from keeping my pants from falling down in public.
But even if my boss doesn’t appreciate PodStyle since I refuse to use the company-provided items necessary for my daily task, little does he know that I don’t need this whack-ass job. Following my classes at Chapman University, I’ve been using Ziprecruiter on the regs to find a PodStyle-friendly new gig. Should my search bear no fruit, I’m not sweating, yo: I’ve already built my official PodStyle guidance website with Squarespace, and I’ve got that shit copyrighted thanks to Legalzoom. Plus, I won’t need to go to the post office anymore thanks to Stamps.com, although I will probably have to thanks to the sheer amount of packages that have made the USPS threaten to refuse service. BY THE WAY, FUCK YOU, THE GOVERNMENT.
So, I bet you’re asking: what you doing for fun when you’re all-in on PodStyle? Yo, don’t even: I fucks with Hunt-a-Killer for my alternate reality game kicks, I’ve got Hulu and Audible on lock, and I’ve been emailing family and friends like a son-of-a-bitch with Mailchimp. I’ve also been hooked on LootCrate and Crunchyroll, which has basically turned me into the Jane Goodall of socially malfunctioning introverts.
If there’s any downside to PodStyle, it’s that you simply are living too much of your best life. You’ll be sitting around on your unfurnished floor, wondering just where you’re going to put your latest delivery of ProFlowers, which smell so good and look so beautiful that you won’t even think about the dozen-or-so previous deliveries that you’ve hidden from sight in your Away luggage. That’s not a first world problem, baby. That’s a future world problem.