As magical women of the mother moon, we are blessed with the abilities to glide through existence in tune with both the feminine and masculine parts of our souls. Every day offers a new balance, as we want to be both coyly sensual, the living embodiment of a Shakespearean paramour, as much as we encapsulate the violent aggression of the city of Philadelphia after a Steelers win. Also, men don’t like it when you’re “too masc.” Yikes!
For a perfect symbiosis of your inner boy and girl, your yin and yang, your Hilary Swank in Boys Don’t Cry and your Hilary Swank in P.S. I Love You, we suggest finding a perfectly open day, one where you are not in a rush to wait for the orchid caretaker to arrive, and single out a man who has wronged you. Maybe he’s a catcaller, or maybe he stiffed you on the last ripe honey mango at the farmers market. Hunt him down and make him pay.
Once you’ve captured your victim—or, as we prefer, your vessel of personal balance—centralize him in a public setting. Make a crowd gather. (It won’t be hard for you, you showstopper!) With your newly manicured stiletto nails and toned arms from hot yoga barre, beat the living shit out of him for all the daytime onlookers to see. Fuel your fists with the energy of all the times you wished you could relieve your gas in public or give unsolicited advice. Channel a man! Ignore his cries and bleeding. This is healthy (for you).
Is someone about to call 911? Then part one is complete. It is now you who must cry as you begin part two. Let the intuitive empathy that is being a woman overwhelm you as you realize what you have done but also that oh my god, this is just, like, really a lot right now. As you hold down his neck in a suffocating grasp, release your grip and caress his sad little head. Coddle him like mommy once did. You’re his mommy now.
Remember those two years of nursing school before you met Edward? Journey through your memories back to that classroom as you put forth your best “I’m about to save a life and my Stila lip stain hasn’t even budged” face. You were a lifeguard one summer and have seen every season of Grey’s. You can do this!
While it’s important that the man does not die, it’s more important that it is you who does not let him die. This is crucial to your self-care. If a paramedic were to come, perhaps one who happens to be male, you’ve failed yourself and must start anew another day. Failure is not feminine. Women are perfect.
Pull out your emergency Lululemon’s and tie a tourniquet around the leg you’ve shoe-stabbed. Fill his bleeding nostrils with your tampons. With so many handy lady tools, he’ll never make fun of a woman again! Sing him a lullaby, like Destiny Child’s “Bills Bills Bills,” as you load him into your car to drive him back home, where he can explain to his family that although he looks like shit, he helped a woman find herself today.
Oh, sister, do you feel balanced? We thought so. Step three is arming yourself for a potential lawsuit. Some find this part the most stressful, but think of all the beautiful balancing you’ll get to do by picking out the perfect courtroom outfit.