At Bunny Ears, we do our best to help turn new moms into supermoms. Now that you’ve survived labor and lost the baby weight, it’s time for an actual challenge! Check out these super-sick breastfeeding tricks, each one guaranteed to turn your daily milking into the intense, body-busting competitive sport you better rock if you plan on surviving momhood. Breastfeeding your baby has never been so radical!
The Sign Spinner
This super basic breastfeeding trick is best used when one boob is running low on mom juice. Carefully break the baby’s suckerfish grip on your breast knob, then flop your precious angel in a gnarly 180 so its fat li’l tummy is now on your bicep. Duck your head forward gently and use your ripped shoulders to continue rolling your baby around the back of your head and down the other arm, firmly landing in a latch on the other breast. Feel free to fist pump—the judges love it!
The 360 Ferris Wheel
Is tiny, perfect Angelica or Marcus Aurelius chomping down on your once pert nipples like a starving tiger shark? Well, just like sharks, babies have a hard time doing things upside down. To avoid angering your little milk mosquito, throw this double sick trick by grasping them carefully around the middle and rotating entire baby counterclockwise until their teeny, weeny feet are even with your nose. Don’t worry about supporting their head—your giant bolster boobs are there for a reason. Once they release their treacherous teeth grip on your lady buds, continue circling all the way around to their basic nursing position. For extra points, try a Double 360 Ferris Wheel with twins—just be sure to rotate both infants in the same direction to avoid collision.
The X-TREME Volcano
You know what’s not awesome? Your little slurp-demon sloughing all the skin off your nipples during breastfeeding. But do you know what is awesome? Your baby’s first lesson in the incredible power of natural forces! Place baby upright via stroller, bouncy, or Velcro wall attached to a super cute Velcro-backed onesie. Firmly grasp your breast, aim toward your baby’s mouth, and squirt right into it. To help you establish a pattern of rocketing vents of mama-lava, helpfully scream “VOL-CAAANO” in rhythm with your squeeze and release. If they can’t figure out when to open their mouths, they haven’t quite left noob status behind yet. #loserbaby.
The Sushi Roll
Once your baby is up and walking, getting them to plonk down for a feeding can become a chore. This super ninja sneak trick mimics the comforting effect of swaddling while also allowing you to keep them goddamn still for more than 45 seconds. Just as with a sushi roll, place your baby, “the fish,” in the center of a blanket, then lay down next to them. Wrap yourself into a tight circle around them, knees-to-nose, enclosing them in your “rice” layer. Have an older child or partner then tuck the blanket securely around you to finish with “the seaweed.” Ha! Now the little bugger is trapped!
The Jenga Tower
Moms who roll like champions can run into trouble when they’ve also got older kids and partners who are hungry, bored, or cranky. The Jenga is a perfect way to stomp multiple tricks while staying true to your roots as a breastfeeding machine. [Editor’s Note: Do not actually stomp on your children.]
This one starts with some prep. Lightly dose your life partner and older children with Benadryl about 25 minutes before feeding time. As they collapse into relaxing comas, get stacking! Stack your fam from heaviest to lightest, in alternating vertical and horizontal layers, allowing maximum stability. Place the infant on top of your gnarly human Jenga platform and allow it to suckle while you stand for a selfie!
Motherhood is never a competition, but breastfeeding 100% can be! Share your most extreme sick breastfeeding tricks below before your bitchy cousin, Anne, can get there first.