All This Mom Wants For Mother’s Day Is Some Great Dad Dick And For Her Kids To STFU
This time of year most Moms are gearing up to partake in the Mother’s Day tradition of being forced to pretend uncooked pasta is a viable fashion choice. One woman is hoping her kids get the hint that all she wants is for them to shut the fuck up for a few hours and some great Dad dick. “Honest communication between parents and children is so important,” said full-time Mom Cassandra Whittier. “That’s why when my daughter asked what I want for Mothers Day I told her I’m all about fuckin’ bitches, smokin’ trees, and makin’ money, but I have plenty of trees and money.”
Cassandra’s daughter Grace was a little confused by her mothers gift request. She offered to make her mother a cut out of a turkey made from her hand instead. The exact same thing she has given her for Thanksgiving. Cassandra was not impressed.
“She said that she really wanted to give me something good this year because she wuvs me so much. It was super sweet and I just want to help her help me get what I want. I have to say after the turkey hand offer, I wasn’t so sure she was really committed to giving me the mothers day gift that I wanted. I clarified that all I really need is for her and her siblings to leave me and their Dad alone for (optimistically) the length of four Peppa Pig’s, so we can really go at it. Although, realistically Daddy can usually only last for about one and a half Peppa Pig’s.”
Met with her daughters continued confusion Cassandra tried to think of other things she might actually want for Mothers Day. “I told Grace I would also love to see her and her brothers fight in a Hunger-Games-style challenge. Every time I make them lunch I just want to throw the Hot Dogs in the middle of the floor and see who comes out alive. I have a theory that Henry, my youngest, could really dominate. He’s only two and half but there’s something in his eyes that makes me think he’s crazy.”
Grace countered this suggestion with an idea for a coupon book that would entitle her mother to things like free hugs, breakfast in bed, or a foot massage. “That’s when I knew she had to be fucking with me,” Cassandra said.
“Up until this point I had made myself very clear and I know she’s five but, come on! What I’m seeing is very obviously a performative ignorance. She’s looking to hit the craft table for twenty minuets and call this Mothers Day present a success. She doesn’t want to do the hard work of ignoring her parents’ sex noises while watching a taped television special.”
At this point Cassandra decided she was going to war on behalf of all Moms. “No more handmade cards, no more lists of why I’m special. I know why I’m special. I’m fucking awesome, and I’m going to show my daughter that by making her go away so I can get super laid.”
Grace was not happy with her mother’s insistence on this specific gift. She tried one last time to appease her mother. This time offering a store-bought gift from Yankee Candle. It would take her entire piggy bank to purchase the candle but in her opinion it was well worth it.
“The candle was a sweet idea but naw, I still want to get my pipes cleaned,” said Cassandra. She is currently looking forward to the most awesome Mothers Day in recorded history.