Top Four Household Child-Killers
Everyone knows that electrical outlets, second-story windows, and common household dust can easily kill your child. But did you know that lurking in your house are literally hundreds of thousands of other deadly things you’ve never even thought about but can and will also definitely kill your children and/or pets?
Well, there are.
We here at Bunny Ears care about the health of your family more than anything, so we’ve compiled a handy list of the world’s four most unexpected household child-killers.
And because we really, really care, we’ve also provided links to products in the Bunny Ears Shop you can buy to help you feel like you’ve done something to protect your kids. In reality, there’s nothing we can sell you to prevent these household tragedies, but we can help alleviate some of the crippling guilt you’ll undoubtedly feel if your kids die right under your nose.
1. POISONS THAT LOOK LIKE FOOD
It’s a common misconception that Tide Pods are the only delicious-looking thing in your house that can actually kill you and/or your loved ones. In fact, Tide Pods are just the tip of the child-killing iceberg. Have you ever seen a bottle of Fabuloso? It’s a purple bottle of deliciousness that at first glance looks like it’s even got a bunch of juicy grapes on the front. I guess it turns out those are just flowers? I don’t know, I’ve never gotten close enough to the bottle to tell. And also, I don’t care, I still want to drink it. I’m sure nobody will ever make that mistake though, even though here’s a fucking picture of them selling it right next to Welch’s fucking grape juice:
2. “SUPERFOODS” THAT ARE MAYBE ACTUALLY POISON
Go ahead. Eat your Goji Berries, Acai, Quinoa, and Kale, and as you drift off to sleep, remember to lie to yourself that you know what the fuck those things even are. Say it to yourself again over your breakfast of Chia Seed and Reishi Mushroom smoothie. Recite this litany of lies as much as you can, because ignorance is #Bliss.
Now, do I know which if any of these things will kill all your children? No, I do not. But here’s the thing: neither do you.
You don’t know what the fuck any of these things are and you should stop fucking pretending that you do. Nobody fucking knows. It’s like vaping. Oh, did the tobacco company/your weed dealer tell you this new thing that was just invented is for sure totally safe? Shut the fuck up and also stop doing that on airplanes. It looks like smoke and it’s fucking scary.
Here is a list of more things that neither I, you, nor anyone else know if they will kill you or not: Spirulina, Maca, Hi Shou Wu, Chlorella, E3 Live, Stevia, Teocotrienols, Rhodiolla, Gotu Kola, Chaga, Kava, Zeolite, Eulthoro, Ashwagandha, and whatever the fuck the “rabe” in “broccoli rabe” is supposed to be. Are you broccoli or are you not broccoli, make up your fucking mind.
I realize that by including something as ridiculous-sounding as “Ashwagandha,” it looks like I am making some or all of these up, but I am not. These are literally all things you can buy at your local cold-pressed juice place, provided that whatever “cold-pressing” is doesn’t turn out to be something that gives everybody cancer and kill you and your children first.
3. ACTUAL POISON
The king of all house child-killers is actual poison. I’m not talking about how all your vices like alcohol and tobacco are technically “poisons.” And I’m not talking about how all the toxic cleaning supplies under your sink within easy reach of your toddler are also deadly “poisons.” I am talking about poison poison. Like Rat Poison poison. The poison of poisons. Your neighbor puts it in their backyard to kill rats, then the rat dies in your yard, and your curious four-year-old finds it. Will your four-year-old eat a sick or dead rat? I don’t know. Maybe they saw or read about it in any of the literally hundreds of examples from books, television, film, comics, theatre, video games, and history.
Now your kid ate a poisoned rat and is dead. You won’t get warned about that in even the most fear-mongering of Goop articles. You’re welcome.
If you’ve made it this far without discovering your dead child in the next room due to Red Fire Ants, air fresheners, or ghosts, congratulations! I frankly do not understand how you have done it. But now steel yourself to read about radioactivity, a household child-killer even more terrifying than bathtubs, which can somehow kill your child by burning or drowning them. Those are opposite deaths!
And I’m not even talking about Radon, a virtually undetectable radioactive gas that kills 30,000 Americans each year and is found in things like rocks. Are there any rocks near where you live? I thought so. Be afraid!
And neither am I talking about Radium, which sounds like Radon but it’s in water and is definitely killing your little ones as we speak.
What I am talking about is this terrifying fact: literally everything in the universe composed of matter is technically radioactive. Look it up, suckers. So unless you’re a being of pure, dark energy or some as-yet-undiscovered exotic particle, then your first-world, information-era entitlement to “health” is a fucking con. Your children are dying by the half-life. Buy a fucking t-shirt.
If there’s one thing the Final Destination franchise taught us, it’s that death can and will come in the most hilarious and unexpected ways. There’s nothing you can do to prepare for household child-killers. I guess, given the meaningless chaos of your existence, you might as well go buy some meaningless things in the Bunny Ears Shop. We are offering, for example, an enamel pin shaped like pizza, which I think you’ll enjoy.
So go buy something. You’ll thank me later when your kids die, but you feel like you did all you could. And then when your marriage falls apart after the death of your children, at least it will happen quickly because you’ll know it was your spouse’s fault, not yours.