This Heirloom Gingerbread Recipe Is Starting To Make Me Think My Grandma Might Be The Witch From Hansel And Gretel
Heirloom recipes are so special. They’re like a time machine that can transport us directly back to our childhood kitchens. I know when I take one bite of this wonderful gingerbread recipe I’m right back next to my grandmother in her warm, homey cottage in the woods. I’m so excited to share this fabulous recipe with all of you lovely Bunny Ears readers.
Ok, so unlike most recipes, it doesn’t start off with an ingredients list. It begins with a handwritten note from my grandmother about the preparation. It says, “This recipe is a very aromatic gingerbread. Smell is key to luring delicious children to your home. If the fat delicious children cannot smell your gingerbread, they will be much more difficult to find. So, don’t skimp on the molasses or those yummy babies will just keep wondering through the woods like the fat little calves they are.”
Huh, that’s strange. Grandma could be a little eccentric. Let’s just skip right down to the ingredients.
2 cups all purpose flour
1/4 cup granulated sugar
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon ground ginger
1 teaspoon cinnamon
A pinch of nutmeg and cloves
1 cup butter
3/4 cup molasses
1 cup of finely ground children’s bones
Children’s bones is just code for her secret ingredient. You know how grandmas always hold one thing back so you can never make your recipe 100% like theirs? Grandmas are so great, right?
Ok, so step one: “You’re going to need butter or child fat, whichever you have handy, and pray to Satan that this crop of gingerbread will attract many delicious children.”
This is so weird you guys. My grandma was an Episcopalian, I swear. She went to church every full moon in the heart of the dark forest just like all Episcopalians do. That’s what they do, right?
Let’s just push through the rest of the recipe, kay?
In a large mixing bowl, whisk together the flour, sugar, baking soda, salt, ginger, cinnamon, cloves, nutmeg, and child bones. Again, the child bones are a metaphor.
Another note from Grandma: “About the child bones: It’s best to use the bones of an especially frightened child. That’s why it’s so important to capture and fatten up the children before you eat them. Not just so there is more delicious child meat to go around, but also so their fear soaks into and flavors their bones.”
Oh I get it. This is a prank. My sister switched out the real recipe with this joke Halloween one. What a scamp! I’m just going to call my mom real quick and confirm that she has a copy of the real recipe I can transcribe.
One Moment Please
Alright you guys crazy story. Apparently I have made some very incorrect assumptions about the Episcopalian religion. This is the great thing about cooking these heirloom recipes. You learn so much about your roots.
Apparently this recipe is accurate and my grandmother did in fact lure a small number of children to her cottage using this delicious gingerbread recipe. I always thought that she was 79 when she died but apparently she was closer to two hundred and ten.
You know, it was such a different time. There were way too many children back then and honestly most of them were kind of dicks anyways. I’m just going to try and divest this recipe from all the child eating stuff and enjoy it for what it is on my terms.
Finish off by creaming the butter and egg and slowly mixing in the molasses. Add the dry mixture. One last prayer to the dark lord and then boil everything in your cauldron for about an hour and 45 minutes.
One batch serves about two very fat delicious children who have wandered far from home.
Images: Pexels and Pixabay
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…