Pressed Juices To Spit-Take When Your Doctor Says You Have The Clap
If you’re anything like me, once a year you, your vagina, and your freshly bleached asshole find yourselves spread-eagle at the OBGYN for a good old pap smear. I dunno, just something quirky I do to keep things interesting! And if you’re anything more like me, that means once a year you have to put […]
This Heirloom Gingerbread Recipe Is Starting To Make Me Think My Grandma Might Be The Witch From Hansel And Gretel
Heirloom recipes are so special. They’re like a time machine that can transport us directly back to our childhood kitchens. I know when I take one bite of this wonderful gingerbread recipe I’m right back next to my grandmother in her warm, homey cottage in the woods. I’m so excited to share this fabulous recipe […]
Beet Toast: The Avocado Toast We Deserve
Avocado toast is a thing of the past. Welcome to beet toast: the only breakfast toast you’ll need for at least two years. Breakfast is the most healing of all the meals; it sets the tone for your day. I recently heard the phrase “you are what you eat” for the very first time and […]
Wine Kegs That Will Get Your Book Club Lit AF
Because we all know this is what it’s actually all about.
Wake Up, Sheeple: Peanut Allergies Don’t Exist
Everyone knows the Western medical industrial complex pumps the American people full of lies along with the occasional life-saving antibiotics. They tell us vaccines are safe, even though we have an entire (officially discredited, whatever) study proving otherwise. They insist that most people have no trouble digesting gluten but refuse to explain why my aura […]
I Lived Off Food Stamps For A Week And Now I’m Spearheading A Communist Revolution
Did you know that an estimated 42.6 million Americans are on food stamps? That’s crazy, right? We often ignore the struggles of this significant segment of American society, so I decided to live on the budget of an average food stamp-recipient for one whole week. My assumption was that, by living like a poor person […]
Substitutions For Exotic Ingredients That Are, Ugh, Fine
Sure. Just google what’s in ras el hanout and blend together whatever shit you have in your spice rack.
I Ate This One Thing Every Morning And It Changed My Life
To feel truly different, you’re going to have to make some real life alterations so that you don’t fall back into your old habits. I completely changed my life by eating the same unlikely thing every morning. And that thing is a box of thumbtacks.
Which Diet Gave Me Chlamydia? An Investigation
I needed to lose some weight. The problem was I didn’t know where to start: Atkins, Keto, intermittent fasting—to name just a few. The more I researched, the more confused I got. Which is why I decided to try them all to figure out which works best for me and my body. And now I […]
How To Make Mac And Cheese For Your Black Friends, AKA The Correct Way
Step one: Grab your box of raisins. Throw it out the window.
Which Artisan-Crafted DUI is Right For You?
Anyone can get caught speeding with a few Fentanyl IPA patches on their arm and a desire for danger.
Recipes For Boogers Since That’s The Only Thing My Gross Kids Will Eat
At your wit’s end with your kids eating their boogers instead of your delicious homemade meals?
BBQ Recipes So Good You’ll Go ”I’m so sorry about slavery.”
Finger licking good. Also, really really sorry about slavery.
Way Too Formal Breakfasts For After Casual Sex
I have always considered myself a sex-positive woman. I have needs, and I’m not afraid to admit it. But that doesn’t mean I don’t treat my (extremely casual, no strings-attached) partner, Liam, with dignity and kindness. We might not be a couple (which again, I’m 100% okay with), but I don’t ever want him to […]
The Apex Diet: Eat Only What Can Eat You!
For as long as I could remember, I’ve always been a pussy. I vividly recall the days where I’d be standing alongside countless cowards at the nearest grocery store, spending my hard-earned money on frozen pizzas, boxes of dry macaroni, or preservative-filled burgers. Some call it sustenance. Some even call it satisfying. But let’s call […]
These New Twists On Hot Cocoa Might Literally Save Your Life
Fellow spiritual siblings, if you’ve been on a vision journey over the last 12 months, you may be blissfully preparing for the season of peace and joy. Unfortunately, here on the bodily plane, it turns out that everything everywhere is now terrible. But nothing can stop the lighting of the menorah or the trimming of […]
The All Cat Food Diet! (That Definitely Isn’t Just A Symptom of My Severe Toxoplasmosis)
Guys. GUYS. I really need to tell you about this amazing new cat food diet and how it has improved my life. This isn’t another one of my fads. This has undeniable results. I’ve saved so much money, lost so much weight, and no longer fret about pretty much anything. And it’s fostered a stronger […]
Meat-Based Tofu Alternatives We Love
Are you struggling to find a good replacement for the soy you love? You’re not totally tofurked. We’ve got a list of incredible meat alternatives.
The Real Nutritional Supplement Was Inside You All Along
But how did I get regular after taking the supplements when I was so constipated before, you ask? Guess what. That was also you. Your poops were stuck inside your colon waiting for you to believe in yourself.
Mmm Look at This Pie I Baked That None of My Thin Children Are Allowed to Eat
After spending an entire weekend indoors baking and decorating like a madwoman, my Pinterest foodie page is off the frickin’ charts right now. Look at this pie. Look at it. When it comes to pretty food, I am Michelangelo. But just as you do not touch the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, none of my […]
Oh, I’ll Tell You How To Make These Vegan Sugar Cookies, But First You’ll Have To Read My Ridiculously Long Sugar Cookie Journey
Hey guys, I’m so glad that you came to check out my fave sugar cookie recipe! I know you probably just want to scroll down to the ingredients and get the recipe, but I’m going to make that as difficult for you as possible. Some might say I’m holding the recipe hostage. But instead of […]
I Support Wildlife Preservation So I Can Eat The Last Of Every Animal
Yes, even the cute ones. Especially the cute ones. Mmmmm delicious wildlife preservation.
The Beginner’s Guide To Fine-Dining Terminology
The world of fine dining has its own complex language that can turn a romantic date into a confusing embarrassment if you don’t know the lingo. Worry no more, because we’re here to help.
The Importance Of Time-Travel-Restricted Eating
Look, we love food as much as the next guy. But there has to be limits. That’s why time travel restricted meals are so important.
A Simple Guide To Wines So You Don’t Look Like A Caveman At Dinner
Avoid humiliation, you giant barbarian.
My Secret Ingredient Is Love, Which Has Been Recalled Due To Fecal Contamination
Literal (tainted) love.
A Handy Recipe For Homemade Adderall
Save yourself some money (and a visit with your “guy”) by making your own Adderall at home. Now FOCUS.
The Best Jokes To Help Deflect Judgement When You’re An Adult Buying Lunchables
Like, “Hey — how did THESE get in here?”