Lip Glosses To Pretend You’re Not Just Gonna Eat by Hana Michels
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The Best Lip Glosses To Pretend You’re Not Just Gonna Eat

lip glosses

Hey grown ups! You’re mature, responsible, and prepared for life. You eat food that’s food! Right? That’s why flavored lip glosses aren’t a cruel test of temptation for you, you competent person you.

Who are we kidding? You’re gonna eat this shit. You’re gonna slop it on your face and eat it. You’re gonna lick it off your lips every chance you get. Some of it has lead, but it just smells sooooo good. How can you not eat these lip glosses? Here’s a list of flavored lip glosses to pretend you’re not just gonna eat (we ate them):

CandySmack Lip Soda In “Call Him Guuuurl”

This soda flavored gloss is a childhood favorite, which is fitting—because you’re gonna look like a child when you’re scarfing it down like a push pop. It’s carbonated! Yum yum, how do they do that? Such a mysterious disgusting process. This gloss also has caffeine in it, so you know it’s for grown ups. To eat.

PopSweets Mouth Snack In “OMGDTF”

There’s sooo much sugar in this lip gloss that was technically manufactured for kissing or smelling or something that isn’t eating. But we’re confident the manufacturer knows what we’re really gonna do with it. They just don’t want to get sued when people eat it, so they say you’re “not supposed to” on their FAQ page (we checked). We also reached out to the company directly about this and they sent us free apology gloss that we also ate!

SmexyGoo Lip Glaze Variety Pack

Scientists say humans are attracted to bright, vibrant colors because that’s how we know when fruits and vegetables are ripe and good to eat. What a mean trick this makeup company has played on our stupid brains! Oh my god, these glosses look just like skittles. Filled with hydroylated lanolin, microcrystalline wax, ethylhexyl palmitate, isopropyl myristate and various food fragrances. We want them in our mouths. This is a stock photo because we have drool all over ours. So much drool.

LipFruit Smacky Balm in Grape

This lip balm professes to be all-natural, but when we ate fifteen pounds of it our limbs got very numb. Also, we don’t think it’s gluten-free. Our hives are really bad right now. But it tastes sooo good. We just have such a hard time believing this gloss that sent us to the ER isn’t for eating.

FlashyPoo Lip Grease In “Mango Chutney”

Despite its pallid color, this gloss actually looked really cute for the 2.4 seconds it stayed on our lips. We all made out with each other in the Bunny Ears office just for the excuse to get some of this gloss in our mouths. This gloss was definitely made for you to eat, you worldly adult. Kids don’t like chutney!

TreasureTank Lip Essence In “Peachy Peach”

This lip gloss comes in a pot, so you’re also eating fingernail dirt when you scoop it up! It tastes and smells just like peaches, which are a food. Fuck you, TreasureTank.

Images: Pixabay.com

Hana Michels
Hana Michels

Author - Hana - Editor - Warrior

Hana Michels has written for The Hard Times, Funny Or Die, McSweeney's, Shout Factory, Splitsider and others because her parents are therapists.

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