Condiment Pie: The Millennial Snack Craze That’s Financially Necessary

July 16, 2018 by , featured in Food and Recipes
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What’s the best way for a millennial to relax after a long week of killing our nation’s greatest industries? Why, condiment pie, of course! Condiment pie is a beautiful trend that combines all the wholesome goodness of regular pie with spending zero money. Here’s how you make it:

Step One: Save Your Old Pizza And Avocado Toast Crusts

condiment pie

We know you’re already saving these because it’s food, therefore it can help you survive long enough to make your next student loan payment. Besides, avocado toast is supposedly as valuable as a house. What kind of maniac doesn’t save the crusts from their house? This is as close to a savings account as some millennials will ever get, so definitely stock up on those crusts.

Step Two: Arrange Those Crusts In That Tin Grandma Had You Take Home

Before you decided to mercilessly kill the Tupperware industry, we bet some older relative had you take a dish home in Tupperware. Use that. Pack in all your saved crusts as tightly as you can so none of the condiments will leak out of the sides later. If there are any cracks or holes, try raiding your neighbor’s bird- or squirrel-feeder for grains to fill them with. Delicious.

Step Three: Blind Bake At A Low Temperature While Thinking About How Your Boss Keeps You An “Independent Contractor” Or Has You Working Just Under Full-Time To Avoid Providing Benefits

Step Four: Go To Your Local Fast Food Chain And Steal Some Condiments

Try to get at your neighborhood’s more “high-end” fast food chains. Shake Shack, for example, has those huge ketchup and mustard pumps, and unless it’s during one of Karen’s managerial shifts, no one will care if you fill up a giant plastic bag with your condiment of choice.

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condiment pie

If you go to In-N-Out, try taking some of their special spread. The spread is good. Just don’t mix it with ketchup. There are pickles in there, and it’s weird with ketchup. McDonald’s ketchup is too sweet to fill a whole pie—it’s better as a topping. Don’t go to Carl’s, Jr. at all. They don’t deserve to be a part of your precious condiment pie.

Step Five: Mush All The Condiments Into Your Pie

Yum, yum! As a bonus, you can record the squelching noises for some of that beautiful ASMR you millennials love so much.

Step Six: Save All The Parmesan Cheese And Red Pepper Flakes From Pizza Places To Sprinkle Over Your Pie

Soy sauce packets are also great at keeping your pie nice and mushy. Be careful, though. After your generation killed the napkin industry, there is simply no way to clean up after a mushy condiment pie. None. So try absorbing some of that goo with red pepper flakes and Parmesan, or whatever other seasonings you have lying around the house. Ramen packets? Yes. Dump that shit on top of your pie for sure.

condiment pie

Step Seven: Bake At 400° While Thinking About How Your Retirement Plan Is Just Your Parents Dying And Selling Their House

Acceptable alternative: Bake at 500° by mistake while thinking about how your healthcare plan is bad and doesn’t cover the glasses you’d need to read an oven dial. Leave your pie in the oven until it’s golden brown and stinky.

Step Eight: Enjoyish!

So cool, right? Now you have everything you need to participate in this fun new food trend that’s totally financially necessary and probably too high in sodium. Yay!


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2 Comments

  1. #yummy I just got done making my condiment pie and it was to die for. I used everything I could find from the break room stash drawer. I did not have any Tupperware but found my mason jar collection to be helpful in creating a mold. This is definitely a repeat recipe for sure. Can I request a follow up article to include how to meal prep condiment pies?

  2. Well, you tried to poison us millenials, but we’re too smart to fall for your tricks, Mr. Millenial Hating Asshole Old Man Writing This Article! Now back to Twitter, where I probably WILL see something like this unironically, try to make it, and then die a horrible death from a “cooking fire” or some totally unrelated accident!

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