Toxic media wants you to believe there are age and time limits for certain activities. Don’t wear short shorts after 30. Don’t wait ’til 40 to have kids. Bury your parents right after they die. Your spiritual gurus here at Bunny Ears disagree. We believe that change and growth is a continuous process, that it’s never too late to try new things or fix old problems that are weighing you down. That’s why we want you to know that it’s absolutely fine for you to plan your parents’ funerals now, 17 months after they died in that tragic safari giraffe stampede.
There is absolutely no judgement here. Modern life is a whirlwind, and with important entertainment news constantly breaking, democratic norms being challenged, and that really awesome gluten-free lasagna recipe on your to-do list, it’s understandable that it slipped your mind. We’ve all got a task list moldering in a corner, much like the corpse of your mother in the spare room. Sometimes, important tasks just fall by the wayside. It’s not too late, though. You can still get this done before winter. Spring at the latest.
Also, and nothing against your parents, but their tragic deaths could have been more convenient. Summer is peak season for funerals, and they tanked it right in the middle of June? Did they not have any idea what the up-charge is at most funeral planners for a warm-season funeral? All the best cemeteries were fully booked. You aren’t made of money, and you didn’t inherit much, either. Sure, they always seemed to have money for quick trips to Italy, but they apparently had none for the last-minute party they expected you to throw.
It’s not like you’ve been using that guest room anyway. You certainly can’t have guests now that two bloated and decomposing bodies are taking up that space, so it hasn’t exactly been a party for you. Having your parents still around—at least, their physical and rapidly decaying shells—has really helped you with your grief, though. It’s also forced you to deal with the unfolded laundry and bags of Goodwill donations you usually keep in there. Even in their deaths, they’re always helping you be a better person.
When you think about it, your procrastination on planning a funeral for your parents was actually a healthy spiritual choice. The last thing you want to do while overwhelmed with grief is worry about where you’re going to get the funeral ham. Now that it’s been a year and a half, you’ve had time to process things, get your mind in order, and watch every season of The Great British Bake-Off. You’re now ready to put on the funeral of your parents’ dreams!
Of course, waiting this long did allow a number of road blocks to develop. People are going to get suspicious when your parents turn up dead after you’ve been lying about their whereabouts for so long, and an open casket is out of the question. These are going to be tricky waters to navigate without tipping everyone off, so you need to get organized. Start with a to-do list. You’ll need to find a notebook and a pen somewhere in that trash heap you call a desk.
When you invariably can’t find a pen, just run out to the store and grab one. While you’re there, be sure to pick up your dry cleaning. And don’t forget the groceries, since you’ll be passing by. Oh, man, this all sounds exhausting. Even thinking about it is tiring. Maybe watching just one or two more episodes of The Great British Bake-Off will really get you going. I hear in the next episode, someone forgets their rising agent.