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…Scientists find that deja vu is just alternate timeline of you dying…
…Unusually Buff Dog Not Breaking Eye Contact…
…Hospital Cracks Down On Patients Getting Chemo For Fun…
…Reported discovery of new planet turns out to be your mom…
…Scientists Discover A Lot Of Cool Junk In Older Brother’s Room…
… Michael Jordan Comes Out Of Retirement To Dunk On Angela Merkel…
…Children May Be Stupider And Weaker Than Previously Thought…
…Mother Struggles To Explain Scott Baio To Her Child…
…Single 32 Year Old Patiently Waits For Friends To Get Divorced…
…Dollars to donuts exchange crashing…
…Your Dog Might Have A Secret Passport…
…A New Generation Of Turtles Are Learning Martial Arts…
…Don’t Forget To Grab Milk…
…Opinion: I Have The Best Smile And Coolest Personality …
…Survey finds startling amount of ghosts are racist….
…Man pretty sure Game Of Thrones is historically accurate…
…Man discovers woman already knows thing he was going to tell her….
…Opinion: We’re In A Golden Age Of Trash Talking…
…Research shows laughter definitely not the best medicine…
…Adult Hearing Mom Use Their Full Name Still Terrified…
…Gordon Ramsay Signed Beef Wellington Sells For 1.6 Million…
…Local Couple Adopts Blind Dogs And Just Puts Them Down…
…Woman With Scoliosis Has Detailed Knowledge Of Floor-…
…Millennials Are Disrupting The Banjo Industry…
…Hurricane wipes out town of Duckberg…
…Report reveals Rice-A-Roni actually from Detroit…
…Big dick energy drink selling poorly…
…Did Tupac fake his birth?…
…Update: Only very tiny hats now cool…
…Shazaam not a real movie…Google it…
…Very smart toilet begs for death…
…6 Year Online Romance Ends In Weird Handshake…
…Violent Pokémon dispute sparks trade war…
…Santa is real, and he lives in your crawl space….
…Confirmed: Everyone is hanging out without you…
…Breaking: Absolutely no one wang chunging tonight…
…Quiz: Is This The Good Milk?…
…Email From Mom Has 4 FWDs In Subject Line…
…Bunny Ears wins prestigious Bunny Ears website of the year award at the Bunny Ears Awards…
…According to studies accordions are unsteady…
…Drugs In Water Supply Treat Fish’s Depression…
…’Glow Up’ Discovered To Just Be DBZ Reference…
…Breaking – There’s A Spider In Your Pocket…
…Local white guy “gets it”…
…Spoiler alert: The milk has gone bad…
…Woman Memorizes Snapple Fact In Case Tonight’s Party Is That Bad…
…Chill Girlfriend Constantly Suppressing Everything…
…Help, I’m Trapped In A Headline Writing Factory. Details To Follow…
…Study: Loss Of Car Leads To 1000% Catcalling Increase…
…Single Woman Manages To Meet Food Delivery Minimum…
…According to studies studying causes cancer…
…Fourth grade teacher found to be not as hot as you remember…
…Am I standing right behind you? The answer might surprise you!…
…Against All Odds, Man Learns To Dance…
…Sugar daddy eaten by ants…
…Half The World’s Bees Have Never Seen The Show Seinfeld…
…New Boyfriend Eats Imitation Crab Straight From The Package…
…13th month discovered between February and March….

It’s Never Too Late To Start Planning Your Parents’ Funerals

funeral

Toxic media wants you to believe there are age and time limits for certain activities. Don’t wear short shorts after 30. Don’t wait ’til 40 to have kids. Bury your parents right after they die. Your spiritual gurus here at Bunny Ears disagree. We believe that change and growth is a continuous process, that it’s never too late to try new things or fix old problems that are weighing you down. That’s why we want you to know that it’s absolutely fine for you to plan your parents’ funerals now, 17 months after they died in that tragic safari giraffe stampede.

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There is absolutely no judgement here. Modern life is a whirlwind, and with important entertainment news constantly breaking, democratic norms being challenged, and that really awesome gluten-free lasagna recipe on your to-do list, it’s understandable that it slipped your mind. We’ve all got a task list moldering in a corner, much like the corpse of your mother in the spare room. Sometimes, important tasks just fall by the wayside. It’s not too late, though. You can still get this done before winter. Spring at the latest.

Also, and nothing against your parents, but their tragic deaths could have been more convenient. Summer is peak season for funerals, and they tanked it right in the middle of June? Did they not have any idea what the up-charge is at most funeral planners for a warm-season funeral? All the best cemeteries were fully booked. You aren’t made of money, and you didn’t inherit much, either. Sure, they always seemed to have money for quick trips to Italy, but they apparently had none for the last-minute party they expected you to throw.

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It’s not like you’ve been using that guest room anyway. You certainly can’t have guests now that two bloated and decomposing bodies are taking up that space, so it hasn’t exactly been a party for you. Having your parents still around—at least, their physical and rapidly decaying shells—has really helped you with your grief, though. It’s also forced you to deal with the unfolded laundry and bags of Goodwill donations you usually keep in there. Even in their deaths, they’re always helping you be a better person.

When you think about it, your procrastination on planning a funeral for your parents was actually a healthy spiritual choice. The last thing you want to do while overwhelmed with grief is worry about where you’re going to get the funeral ham. Now that it’s been a year and a half, you’ve had time to process things, get your mind in order, and watch every season of The Great British Bake-Off. You’re now ready to put on the funeral of your parents’ dreams!

Of course, waiting this long did allow a number of road blocks to develop. People are going to get suspicious when your parents turn up dead after you’ve been lying about their whereabouts for so long, and an open casket is out of the question. These are going to be tricky waters to navigate without tipping everyone off, so you need to get organized. Start with a to-do list. You’ll need to find a notebook and a pen somewhere in that trash heap you call a desk.

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funeral

When you invariably can’t find a pen, just run out to the store and grab one. While you’re there, be sure to pick up your dry cleaning. And don’t forget the groceries, since you’ll be passing by. Oh, man, this all sounds exhausting. Even thinking about it is tiring. Maybe watching just one or two more episodes of The Great British Bake-Off will really get you going. I hear in the next episode, someone forgets their rising agent.

Images: PexelsPixabay, PexelsPexels

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