Ideally, polyamory is a beautiful thing that exists between two or more people who love and trust each other enough to have an open relationship. But in practice, it’s usually just a smug thing that exists between one straight guy and whichever girl he corners at a party to talk about Dan Savage’s podcast. This guy listened to one episode so now he’s an expert on everything that has to do with sex, especially female sexuality and polyamory.
And who doesn’t want to be that guy?
In the spirit of alienating literally countless potential lovers, here’s how to talk about polyamory so much that literally no one will ever want to fuck you.
Firstly, it’s important to remember that everyone wants to hear about polyamory at all times. Your friends, your co-workers, your family — they should all know that you’re polyamorous (or looking to be). Tell people at HR meetings. Tell them at PTA meetings. Work polyamory into your grandma’s eulogy. The world needs to know you’re polyamorous, regardless of whether or not you actually have any sexual partners.
It’s also important to tell dates right off the bat that you’re polyamorous and therefore more sexually enlightened than they are. Don’t even introduce yourself. If a woman wants the privilege of knowing your name, she should first sit through a long lecture about why polyamory isn’t just right for you, it’s right for the whole world. Before this woman even decides whether she wants to have sex with you, you should list all your sexual expectations in excruciating detail. Especially if you had an ex-girlfriend who loved being polyamorous and who you wish to compare all potential girlfriends to. But especially if you made up that ex-girlfriend. And especially especially if that ex-girlfriend was also bi and loved threesomes (and all bi women love threesomes, it’s the rule. Be sure to tell them that. But not the kind of threesome with two boys. Even your superior enlightened mind can only be so open.)
Note that being polyamorous means you now get to chastise potential sexual partners* for their discomfort. You’re being open and liberated with them by doing what only you want to do in bed and exploring only your own kinks, so why can’t they do the same? This doesn’t mean you have to be open to their kinks, though. Their kinks are weird and gross and if someone is pressuring you into doing something that you don’t want to do, then what they’re doing is wrong. If your partner doesn’t want to be called Mommy followed by your actual mother’s full name and email address, they’re being unreasonable and it’s your job to open their mind through lots of whining.
Finally, because you’re polyamorous, you should be treating yourself like an oppressed minority (especially if you’re a straight cis white man with no disabilities). Treat polyamory like it’s your sexual orientation: You should “come out” as polyamorous, especially to your LGBT friends. In fact, it’s more than your sexual orientation, it’s your whole identity!
Tell the world! You should have at least three t-shirts with pretentious quotes about how terrible monogamy is. Go to sex clubs and talk about polyamory so loudly even the teeming pile of naked bodies inches away from you can’t help but hear. Talk about polyamory so much that sex workers refuse to take your money. When you have a biological child (and you won’t, because no one will have sex with you), name that child “Sexual Awakening.” When you have another child (again, no chance, because you have to have sex for that and no one will ever have sex with you), name that child “My Penis.” What’s the point in being polyamorous if your kids (and all their friends and teachers) don’t know about it?
There is none! Polyamory is who you are! Polyamory is your only reason to live! And never let anyone forget it.
*There will be none.