How To Get Rid Of That Beach Bod For Fall
Fall’s just around the corner, and with it comes the pressure to turn that flat stomach back into flab. But how do you guarantee love handles by Halloween? We asked Mitch Cardino, personal trainer to a wealth of Hollywood character actors, what his clients do to fatten up for flannel season. The good news is you don’t need to be rich to look like shit. In fact, whether you’re planning to pack on the pounds or just get pasty, his celebrity system is sure to deliver your fugliest autumn ever.
1. Shhhhh, It’s Nap Time
Whether you’re someone who loves to sleep, or can never find the time, this trick will turn you from tight to tubby. Just take one nap in the morning, one in mid-morning, and one long nap for most of the afternoon. That, and 10 hours of sleep a night, will work wonders for your body. But be careful. You can burn calories while sleeping, so be sure to eat before bed (or better yet, in it).
2. Cheese Please
It’s not enough to eat. You need to eat often and eat everything. And eat too much of it. But even then, you may not be doing enough. Your body naturally tells you what it needs to survive, so you’ll need to start ignoring that. Do what Cardino does and put cheese on top of everything. Burgers. Cake. Heck, even another block of cheese. By adding in a layer of luscious Limburger, you’re making sure your body quickly negates any nutrients you may have inadvertently inhaled.
3. Veg Out
If you really want to beef up in a hurry, sitting on the couch isn’t enough. You need to shut it all down. So no video games. No magazines. Nothing that requires you to move a single muscle. Instead, turn on the TV and watch whatever comes on. Cardino recommends whichever channel plays Bones reruns on repeat, ideally for 20 hours a day. You’ll know it’s working when your loved ones check to see if you’re breathing.
4. Hair Everywhere
To paraphrase Queen Elsa, “let it grow, let it grow!” That’s right. The more hair down there, the better. Frankly, whether it’s your face or feet, legs or lady bits, going furry sends the signal to your body that you’re not leaving the house until spring. So let those pubes propagate.
5. Don’t Stress, Just Get Depressed
There’s nothing better for someone trying to chub up than getting massively, overwhelmingly, unbelievably, irreparably depressed. Take it from Cordino, who gave us this interview from a mattress on the floor of an empty room filled with pizza boxes. He recommends shutting down for days, just staring at the ceiling and wondering what the point of all this even is. And while he did relay this through shrieks and sobs, he suggests keeping the crying to a minimum. Remember, every tear shed is a calorie burned.