Holiday Party Idea: Pushing Over Children At The Skating Rink
We’re all sick of the same old mistletoe, hot chocolate, and awkward conversations with our neighbors. This year, why not celebrate Jesus’ birth as the lord intended: by pushing over children at your local skating rink? We don’t need charades or pin the tail on the reindeer—we need a fun and competitive blood sport that combines hockey with a dash of child abuse. It’s a gift for your party guests and Jesus.
You might be wondering how to make pushing over children at your local skating rink competitive, but it’s simple. Just assign one person to be an impartial judge and observe the following rules.
Each child at the rink receives a rank from one to four points based on:
a) How adorable they are. Uggos are one point. Cuties are four. Children can earn additional points if the judge deems their faces “smug” or “just so damn pushable.”
b) How likely it is that their parents can kick your ass. If their parent is attentive and large, that’s a four-point shove. If their parent looks to be a real wuss or more interested in draining a flask full of eggnogg than watching their kid, one point.
c) How much fun the kid seems to be having. A laughing child is an automatic four-point shove. This creates a really fun element to the game, because the instant a child starts laughing, all of the nearby adults should be rushing to shove them right over.
Double points for:
a) Children in so much winter weather gear that they struggle for more than 30 seconds to get back up. This is artwork and will be graded as such.
b) Being chased by any kind of rink security guards, with an additional 10 points if they fall down while chasing you and an additional five points if they struggle for more than 30 seconds to get back up.
c) Sick burns before pushing the children over. Minus five points if your “sick burn” is “have a good winter, see you next fall.” THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE.
The great thing about this game is that once you make it a Christmas tradition, it gets harder and harder to play every year. I personally have to wear a fake mustache if I want to go to any skating rink in my area, and I love it! “Legally,” I’m not allowed in the state of Illinois during the holiday season. It’s the best!
If you’re worried about traumatizing the children, wow, you’re starting to sound like a real narc. Trust me, shoving kids over at the skating rink is good for their constitution. My mother has been pushing me over and laughing as I struggle to get back up since I was a toddler, and I grew up to be the person who invented this great game, so just leave your complaints at the skate rental desk. Now get out and there and assault some children.