Let Your Vagina Breathe By Slathering It In Vicks VapoRub
Vaginas are a complete mystery. Nobody knows how they work, where they come from, or how to correctly spell all their parts. They’re all squishy and weird and sometimes they have teeth. Just completely bonkers. But hey, we’ve never let having no idea what we’re talking about stop us before, so why start now? We are a wellness website after all. However, we know not everyone can afford to hire Gordon Ramsey to help work on their smushy crotch bits. Hell, most of us can’t afford Gordon Lightfoot, and it’s not like he has anything else going on-
[Editor’s Note: Rani, Gordon Lightfoot is still touring at 80 years old and has recently won a lifetime achievement award, received an honorary doctorate in music, and even had a statue of himself erected in his home town just a couple years ago. Just because you want a cheap joke doesn’t mean you have to take it out on a Canadian national treasure.]
-but there are a number of DIY cleanses, purifications, and other eldritch rituals to keep your kitty in tip-top shape. One that’s especially popular right now is letting your vagina breathe.
Let The Clam Come Up For Air
Letting your vagoo breathe sounds totally up our alley. First of all, it doesn’t require us to do much of anything, which is awesome. Additionally, it involves eschewing underwear, and that is an enthusiastic check. Pretty sure nobody that works at Bunny Ears even owns underwear, unless you count the numerous unclaimed pairs that mysteriously litter the floor at the office (though it’s probably because Mack rents the place out as a sex dungeon on weekends).
However, this leads to the obvious question: What if your vagina catches a cold? That’s a thing that happens, right? I mean if something can breathe it can also catch a cold. That’s just science. Luckily, our team of experts already has a solution: Slathering up ya muff with Vick’s VapoRub.
But does it work?
It would, of course, be irresponsible of me to recommend something I would never try myself, so I recorded my experience with the method in the below journal. Read on to find out how it went down (in my puss-puss).
Oh my god, this was a mistake.
This is not the slightest bit better. What is wrong with me that I did this again? Do I hate myself that much?
You would think at some point the body would start to get used to doing something, no matter how uncomfortable. But no, each time is a completely new, completely terrible experience.
On the plus side, if someone were to get close enough, I’m pretty sure my vagina’s breath is minty fresh. Think positive!
How would you even describe this feeling? It’s like getting frostbite and a second-degree burn at the same time. Also, while this doesn’t feel better than any other time, the endorphins are definitely starting to kick in. Either that or my soul is leaving my body.
No that is definitely my soul leaving my body. I could see myself, from the outside, but somehow could not stop myself from spreading more Vicks on my vagina. This must be what hell is.
I can see the passage of time. Pain is a language, a symphony of nerve endings singing into a terrible nothingness. I no longer feel trapped in my mortal shell—that simple creature of fear and misery. I have achieved pure, uninterrupted consciousness.
Hope this helps!
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…