Let Your Vagina Breathe By Slathering It In Vicks VapoRub

February 15, 2019 by , featured in Health
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Vaginas are a complete mystery. Nobody knows how they work, where they come from, or how to correctly spell all their parts. They’re all squishy and weird and sometimes they have teeth. Just completely bonkers. But hey, we’ve never let having no idea what we’re talking about stop us before, so why start now? We are a wellness website after all. However, we know not everyone can afford to hire Gordon Ramsey to help work on their smushy crotch bits. Hell, most of us can’t afford Gordon Lightfoot, and it’s not like he has anything else going on-

[Editor’s Note: Rani, Gordon Lightfoot is still touring at 80 years old and has recently won a lifetime achievement award, received an honorary doctorate in music, and even had a statue of himself erected in his home town just a couple years ago. Just because you want a cheap joke doesn’t mean you have to take it out on a Canadian national treasure.]

-but there are a number of DIY cleanses, purifications, and other eldritch rituals to keep your kitty in tip-top shape. One that’s especially popular right now is letting your vagina breathe.

Let The Clam Come Up For Air

Letting your vagoo breathe sounds totally up our alley. First of all, it doesn’t require us to do much of anything, which is awesome. Additionally, it involves eschewing underwear, and that is an enthusiastic check. Pretty sure nobody that works at Bunny Ears even owns underwear, unless you count the numerous unclaimed pairs that mysteriously litter the floor at the office (though it’s probably because Mack rents the place out as a sex dungeon on weekends).

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However, this leads to the obvious question: What if your vagina catches a cold? That’s a thing that happens, right? I mean if something can breathe it can also catch a cold. That’s just science. Luckily, our team of experts already has a solution: Slathering up ya muff with Vick’s VapoRub.

But does it work?

It would, of course, be irresponsible of me to recommend something I would never try myself, so I recorded my experience with the method in the below journal. Read on to find out how it went down (in my puss-puss).

Day One

Oh my god, this was a mistake.

Day Two

This is not the slightest bit better. What is wrong with me that I did this again? Do I hate myself that much?

 

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vagina breathe

Day Three

You would think at some point the body would start to get used to doing something, no matter how uncomfortable. But no, each time is a completely new, completely terrible experience.

Day Four

On the plus side, if someone were to get close enough, I’m pretty sure my vagina’s breath is minty fresh. Think positive!

Day Five

How would you even describe this feeling? It’s like getting frostbite and a second-degree burn at the same time. Also, while this doesn’t feel better than any other time, the endorphins are definitely starting to kick in. Either that or my soul is leaving my body.

vagina breathe

Day Six

No that is definitely my soul leaving my body. I could see myself, from the outside, but somehow could not stop myself from spreading more Vicks on my vagina. This must be what hell is.

Day Seven

I can see the passage of time. Pain is a language, a symphony of nerve endings singing into a terrible nothingness. I no longer feel trapped in my mortal shell—that simple creature of fear and misery. I have achieved pure, uninterrupted consciousness.

Hope this helps!

Image: Mario Antonio Pena Zapateria, Pixabay, Pixabay


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2 Comments

  1. So, did you actually smear this IN your vagina or just ON your vulva. There’s a difference, ya know. Which bits got bit by the goo? I think it’s important for you to get the terminology correct.

    1. While there is certainly an argument for making sure all writers use the exact terminology all the time, we feel like the term vagina used colloquially in the one sentence on day six has enough context behind it to let the reader know that Vicks is being applied in and around the general pubic area including the labia majora, labia minora, clitoris, and even a healthy slathering upon the mons veneris. Just as you don’t actually put vicks in your lungs and throat to experience the sensation, our author probably doesn’t put it all the way back onto her cervix.

      We leave that one sentence ambiguous enough that the reader can imagine Vicks being shoved right into the vagina, just crammed up there full force, if they so choose. Or they can read it and emphasize the “on” and assume the author means the general pubic area.

      Language is fluid and reading is an adventure. It is up to the reader to determine the true meaning of any piece of writing.

      Thanks for reading!

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