Spice Up Your Seder With These Passover-Themed Sex Tips
Ah, Passover. That magical time of year when we celebrate the emancipation of the Israelites from slavery in Egypt some 3300 years ago by eating bitter herbs and bland crackers. Like most good Jewish holidays, it’s filled with wine, food, family and stories of great suffering. But while you can’t do much to spice up your matzah you can spice up your post-seder bedtime routine. Put down the Haggadah, put the kids to bed and get ready for the best Passover Sex you’ve ever had.
[Please note: We here at Bunny Ears cannot be held liable for any injury, death or dismemberment that may occur while attempting any of these suggestions.]
The Four Cups of Wine
If you’ve been following tradition, you’re already drunk. Good. It will make this more fun. While you’re at it – go grab that fifth glass you left for Elijah. We have a feeling he’s not coming tonight. But hopefully you will!
The Blood Of The Lamb
The first thing we ask at the start of a Passover seder is “Why is tonight different than any other night?” Well tonight is the night we throw down the tarp and cover each other in the sacrificial blood of the lamb! Using paintbrushes, glitter, and two to three gallons of lamb’s blood (secured ahead of time by your personal chef) you can create body art on one another, tapping into your creative side while you ward off G-d’s judgement, or just dump buckets of it on each other and get to mud wrestling! Or should we say blood wrestling? Whatever your style, do it quietly and clean up before the kids wake up. Believe us, it’s a tough scene to explain to a screaming six-year-old!
Where’d You Hide The Afikomen?
One of the most fun and memorable parts of Passover is when the head of the household breaks off a piece of matzah to hide for the children to find. Take this game to the adult level and hide it from your partner to find and devour! Get creative about where to put it but be warned, this is the last thing you’re supposed to eat on Passover, so if you don’t want the taste of ass lingering in your mouth all night, then…you know. (No judgment if you do!) Shove away and be mindful of sharp edges!
Let My Nipple Go!
Nothing like a good old-fashioned slavery role-play to heat things up! Someone plays the Pharaoh and someone plays Moses as you act out the epic struggle for freedom. What better way to really understand the suffering of your people than to reenact it? Bonus points for Moses if you can use your “staff” to “part the Red Sea” before Pharaoh captures you again!
The Ten Plagues
Plagued by the same boring sex moves? Here are some new ones to incorporate into the regimen, based on the ten plagues sent to Egypt by G-d for not letting the Jewish people out of slavery.
- Water into blood – Well, we covered blood…
- Frogs – Have you ever seen frogs have sex? It’s very aerobic! It’s basically your standard doggy-style but with jumping! It’s froggy-style!
- Lice – Build intimacy by carefully combing each other’s hair for lice for hours. If you don’t fall asleep feeling completely loved and lice-free then your relationship might need some work. And you have lice. Bummer.
- Hordes of Wild Animals – Kind of like Frogs but more violent! Bonus for including more people.
- Diseased Livestock – Lots of animal play here, we know, but this one’s a metaphor. Tell your partner what you think is diseased about your relationship and brainstorm some creative solutions to fix it!
- Painful Boils – Tie each other up and cover each other with fake boils made with dripping hot candle wax! Bonus points for finding a pimple and popping it to emulate that boil-lancing satisfaction!
- Devastating Hail – Stay sharp and get your blood pumping by running around the bedroom chucking ice cubes at each other. Foreplay – check!
- Locusts – Normally these grasshoppers are solitary creatures, but under suitable conditions of drought followed by rapid vegetation growth, their brains are flooded with serotonin, triggering them to band together, migrate, and breed abundantly. They form bands of wingless nymphs which become swarms of winged adults. Channel the locust. Embody the locust. Come together as wingless nymphs and through your sensual locust sex dance emerge as the fully-realized winged adult locusts you truly are.
- Darkness for Three Days – This one’s pretty self-explanatory. Lock yourself in your bedroom and have a sex-a-thon, emerging occasionally for some unleavened bread breaks!
- Death of the Firstborn – We are not suggesting you actually kill your or anyone else’s children. But we do suggest that you consider – if you absolutely had to – how you would do it. Just for fun. Think about it.
We hope these tips help you feel more connected to your rich Jewish history and your sexuality this Passover. (Again, not liable for anything here.) Pesach Sameach!