I Keep Accidentally Going To Spin Classes That Turn Out To Be Cleverly Named Laundromats

April 28, 2019 by , featured in Health
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I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. This is so stupid. If you’re reading this, please help me out in the comments, or hit me up on Twitter. I need to find a spin class that isn’t a laundromat.

Speed Queen

spin classes near me

I knew I’d heard the name somewhere before. As it turns out, this is apparently the brand of all the washing machines in every laundromat I’ve ever been to. In hindsight, I feel pretty dumb, especially given all the (literal) signs. When I walked in, there was a sign that said “We Are Not Responsible For Loss Or Damage To Clothes,” and at first, I had no idea why they had this sign in a spin class. “Maybe people’s clothes get caught in the pedals, in which case, it’s pretty cool that they’re covering their bases,” I thought. But as soon as I saw two seemingly unsupervised kids violently pretending to play the Street Fighter II arcade cabinet next to the door, which had none of the fighting moves properly labeled, I knew I was in the wrong place.

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Original Spin

spin classes near me

“Okay, maybe this is the ‘original’ spin class,” I thought. “Great! I love being a purist about my new hobbies!” This is not at all what this was. The best way to describe this place is “an S&M club where people also fold fitted sheets.” After exploring every room to make sure I wasn’t missing the one where they teach the classes, I deduced that I was at the wrong place again. Also, the smell of the used leather couture caking the walls eventually became overwhelming.

Cycle Jordan

SPIN CLASSES NEAR ME CYCLE JORDAN

Clearly a pun on Michael Jordan, this place honestly did put a lot of work into their operation. All the dryers’ “air” setting was just an Air Jordan logo. That’s really clever, and I fully appreciate this level of attention to detail, but this was not the spin class I was looking for.

Spin & Juice


I love Snoop Dogg, so I thought this place would be the perfect fit. “Maybe they have a juice bar!” I thought. No. No juice bar. No classes. Just a bunch of Speed Queens and a man (the owner?) taking a nap on one of the folding stations.

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Led Zeppelspin

spin classes near me

This place looks like it used to be a smoke shop, or maybe a factory or something, but the abandoned Speed Queen machines tell me otherwise.

World’s Largest Laundromat

This one’s on me.

SoulCycle

spin classes near me

This has to be it, right? This is the most well-known chain of spinning classes. The entire world wouldn’t perpetuate an elaborate ruse just to trick me once again into showing up at a laundromat, would they? Just to be safe, I brought my laundry. At this point, I’ve started bringing my laundry everywhere I go. They’re not going to waste my time again. I went in fully prepared for every contingency, but apparently, the location near me had just closed down.

I was so close.

Images: Speed Queen, Image Chef, Local Wiki, ENY, SoulCycle


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