bunnyears

…Single Woman Manages To Meet Food Delivery Minimum…
… Michael Jordan Comes Out Of Retirement To Dunk On Angela Merkel…
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…Big dick energy drink selling poorly…
…Very smart toilet begs for death…
…Santa is real, and he lives in your crawl space….
…Half The World’s Bees Have Never Seen The Show Seinfeld…
…Quiz: Is This The Good Milk?…
…Dollars to donuts exchange crashing…
…’Glow Up’ Discovered To Just Be DBZ Reference…
…Breaking – There’s A Spider In Your Pocket…
…Hurricane wipes out town of Duckberg…
…Children May Be Stupider And Weaker Than Previously Thought…
…Woman Memorizes Snapple Fact In Case Tonight’s Party Is That Bad…
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…Man pretty sure Game Of Thrones is historically accurate…
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…13th month discovered between February and March….
…Study: Loss Of Car Leads To 1000% Catcalling Increase…
…Research shows laughter definitely not the best medicine…
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…Breaking: Absolutely no one wang chunging tonight…
…Opinion: I Have The Best Smile And Coolest Personality …
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…Violent Pokémon dispute sparks trade war…
…Drugs In Water Supply Treat Fish’s Depression…
…Email From Mom Has 4 FWDs In Subject Line…
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…Sugar daddy eaten by ants…
…Confirmed: Everyone is hanging out without you…
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…Update: Only very tiny hats now cool…
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…Report reveals Rice-A-Roni actually from Detroit…
…According to studies studying causes cancer…
…Hospital Cracks Down On Patients Getting Chemo For Fun…
…Chill Girlfriend Constantly Suppressing Everything…
…Local Couple Adopts Blind Dogs And Just Puts Them Down…

There Are So Many Things Besides Stuffing You Can Put In A Turkey

stuffing

Thanksgiving is a time for family, togetherness, and gratitude. But mostly, it’s a time to feast. And the main event is, of course, a turkey whose body cavity has been stuffed with what is basically seasoned croutons. It’s an honorable tradition, but one that’s as stale as the bread crumbs themselves.

You don’t have to stuff the turkey with stuffing, you know. There are all kinds of things you can shove all up into the hot, moist insides of a dead bird. Try one of these stuffing alternatives and you might just have the best Thanksgiving since you decided to stop going home for Thanksgiving.

A big mess of scrambled eggs and ham

With all the travel, chaos, and attempts to not eat before dinner, it’s highly likely most of your guests skipped breakfast. Make it up to them—and acknowledge their sacrifice—by stuffing that turkey with a shit ton of scrambled eggs (and ham).

Turducken

Your hipster friends will chuckle at the meta irony of stuffing a turkey with a thing that, itself, is a turkey that has been stuffed with other things. And isn’t that what Thanksgiving is all about?

Several pies

“Where’s dessert?”

“It’s in the turkey!”

(Everyone gasps.)

[End scene]

Candy!

If you’ve got a lot of kids coming to Thanksgiving, have your turkey do double duty as a piñata. Stuff it with candy (candy corn, preferably), tie it to a light fixture, place a drip pan underneath to catch any hot dripping fat, and let the kiddos go hog wild!

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A picture of Grandma

Honor and remember your Grandma by putting a bunch of framed pictures of her up in the turkey. Any pic will do, like a portrait, or that one of her in a bathing suit that Grandpa kept in his pocket when he was fighting in the Pacific theater.

A portable TV playing the big game

Watching the Detroit Lions play on Thanksgiving is as much a part of the day as passive-aggressive family fights over life choices. So bake a portable TV displaying the game into the insides of your turkey. It’ll be a “home run”!

Secrets

Write down a secret about everyone at the table on a piece of body cavity-resistant paper (Williams-Sonoma sells this), and place them in the turkey. During dinner, everyone extracts a piece of paper and reads a secret aloud. It’s waaay better than giving dumb ol’ thanks.

The turkey’s children

Thanksgiving is about togetherness, and you can honor that notion by reuniting the turkey with its children in death. You probably won’t be able to find the turkey’s actual, verifiable babies, so just buy some small turkeys, or game hens, and shove those up in there. Their ghosts will be so touched.

Your dick. Straight up.

Picture the scene: Everyone you love, dressed in sweaters and sitting around the table, all smiles as they prepare to enjoy a kingly feast. You then walk in with the pièce de résistance: A golden-brown turkey on a silver platter. Your guests applaud. “But what’s this,” someone says, interrupting the moment of triumph. “Why isn’t the turkey stuffed with anything?” You shake your head bemusedly, unzip your pants…and shove your dick right up in that turkey. “Here’s the stuffing!” you say, and everyone laughs and laughs.

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Images: Pixabay, Pixabay, Simon Doggett/Flickr, Pixabay, Pixabay, Pixabay, Pixabay, Pixabay, Pixabay, Pixabay

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