Thanksgiving is a time for family, togetherness, and gratitude. But mostly, it’s a time to feast. And the main event is, of course, a turkey whose body cavity has been stuffed with what is basically seasoned croutons. It’s an honorable tradition, but one that’s as stale as the bread crumbs themselves.
You don’t have to stuff the turkey with stuffing, you know. There are all kinds of things you can shove all up into the hot, moist insides of a dead bird. Try one of these stuffing alternatives and you might just have the best Thanksgiving since you decided to stop going home for Thanksgiving.
A big mess of scrambled eggs and ham
With all the travel, chaos, and attempts to not eat before dinner, it’s highly likely most of your guests skipped breakfast. Make it up to them—and acknowledge their sacrifice—by stuffing that turkey with a shit ton of scrambled eggs (and ham).
Your hipster friends will chuckle at the meta irony of stuffing a turkey with a thing that, itself, is a turkey that has been stuffed with other things. And isn’t that what Thanksgiving is all about?
“It’s in the turkey!”
If you’ve got a lot of kids coming to Thanksgiving, have your turkey do double duty as a piñata. Stuff it with candy (candy corn, preferably), tie it to a light fixture, place a drip pan underneath to catch any hot dripping fat, and let the kiddos go hog wild!
A picture of Grandma
Honor and remember your Grandma by putting a bunch of framed pictures of her up in the turkey. Any pic will do, like a portrait, or that one of her in a bathing suit that Grandpa kept in his pocket when he was fighting in the Pacific theater.
A portable TV playing the big game
Watching the Detroit Lions play on Thanksgiving is as much a part of the day as passive-aggressive family fights over life choices. So bake a portable TV displaying the game into the insides of your turkey. It’ll be a “home run”!
Write down a secret about everyone at the table on a piece of body cavity-resistant paper (Williams-Sonoma sells this), and place them in the turkey. During dinner, everyone extracts a piece of paper and reads a secret aloud. It’s waaay better than giving dumb ol’ thanks.
The turkey’s children
Thanksgiving is about togetherness, and you can honor that notion by reuniting the turkey with its children in death. You probably won’t be able to find the turkey’s actual, verifiable babies, so just buy some small turkeys, or game hens, and shove those up in there. Their ghosts will be so touched.
Your dick. Straight up.
Picture the scene: Everyone you love, dressed in sweaters and sitting around the table, all smiles as they prepare to enjoy a kingly feast. You then walk in with the pièce de résistance: A golden-brown turkey on a silver platter. Your guests applaud. “But what’s this,” someone says, interrupting the moment of triumph. “Why isn’t the turkey stuffed with anything?” You shake your head bemusedly, unzip your pants…and shove your dick right up in that turkey. “Here’s the stuffing!” you say, and everyone laughs and laughs.