Where You Should Spread Your Ashes Based On Your Zodiac Sign

Great Nana Etna just passed away, and as they propelled her ashes over the tennis courts of her beloved country club, you had a couple of distinct thoughts: Who knew the human body produced that much ash? And also, where the hell am I going to spread mine?!

Well we here at Bunny Ears are here to help! Below is a comprehensive guide for all our astrally-inclined brothers and sister looking for the perfect spot to spread their sooty corporeal remains.

Aquarius: Let’s face it: Expressing your feelings isn’t your strong suit, Aquarius. You didn’t even cry when Mufasa died in The Lion King! Thus, the ideal place to liberate your ashes is at your childhood therapist’s office (Judy). This will promote emotional development in the afterlife.

Pisces: You will be remembered after death for your selflessness and charitable giving. In keeping with the altruism you displayed in life, your remains should be donated to a bumblebee preservation colony. Bumblebees thrive on human ash.

Aries: The most physically competitive of the signs, Aries don’t believe in second place; just winners and big, fat losers. You’ll want to remain the winner that you are, so we recommend distributing your ashes among several dozen hacky sacks to prove you won’t be slowed down. Not even in death.

Taurus: You are a highly romantic soul, Taurus. Your ashes should be mixed with the ashes of your first love. Your passion will be eternalized through the commingling of your remains, and you will ascend to the great beyond as one. (For best results, arrange for said love to be killed upon your death).

Gemini: You were basically two different people in life, so why should it be any different in death? After cremation, your remains will be divided in half, and you’ll have a separate ceremony for each of your personalities. For your more naive and temperate side, your ashes should be spread over your prized snow globe collection. To honor the darker facets of your nature, spread the rest over your assortment of genuine human incisors. Hey, we don’t ask questions here at Bunny Ears.

Cancer: You may be dead, but that doesn’t mean your current emo phase must die along with you! Luxuriate in the sweet release from life by scattering your ashes at your local Hot Topic.

Leo: You’ve always craved attention, so your funeral should be a full-on banger to ensure that no one will forget you. Have your ashes shot out of a t-shirt cannon into a crowd full of friends, loved ones, and former colleagues.

Virgo: Virgo is often referred to by astrologists as the “lame step-brother of the signs.” You likely spend your free time alone, re-reading encyclopedias, and you’ve most definitely binge-watched Cosmos 3.5 times (at least). That being said, the best place for your ashes is outer space…nerd.

Libra: Growing up with so many behavioral problems was undoubtedly hard, Libra, but that sounds more like a you problem. Anyways, your ashes should be spread at your middle school principal’s office so you can finally traumatize her just as much as she once traumatized you.

Scorpio: FedExing your ashes to your scorned lovers and enemies is the perfect revenge for a fear-mongering deviant like yourself. The petty satisfaction you’ll feel will invigorate you well into the afterlife.

Sagittarius: You, Sagittarius, have a wanderer’s heart, most at peace when hopping a plane and exploring the unknown. So make your final resting place count by spreading your incinerated body over that one special place you’ve yet to visit: Chernobyl!

Capricorn: Look Capricorn, we all know you were pissed when your family sold your childhood home, and you’re still pissed about it now. The only real option here is to bury your ashes in the backyard (by the swing set where you went to second base with your cousin) so you can haunt the shit out of the place for eternity. Because this is your house and you have to defend it!

Images: John Murray, Flickr / Pexels /Dozenist, Wikimedia/ Upper Perkiomen Middle School II, Flickr