Flipping That Old House Is As Easy As Exorcising The Spirit of the Previous Owner

April 9, 2018 by , featured in Health
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Flipping houses is the most exciting way to grow an investment outside of sponsoring an endangered animal and entering it into an endangered animal fighting league, but it can be a little daunting. Sure, the property has two stories and a basement, and as best you can tell it has never been on fire, but it’s worn down, in desperate need of repairs, and the neighborhood is regularly used for murder reenactments on Investigation Discovery. And while you may have bought it at a steal at auction by outbidding the previous owner, you now have to contend with the owner’s vengeful spirit, which selfishly haunts the property much in the same way that VP you fired kept hanging around the office park for weeks, wailing about how he could no longer afford to feed his children.

Well, buck up! It isn’t your fault the bank repossessed that house. The owner made a conscious decision not to pay their mortgage, just as they made a conscious decision to carve eldritch symbols into their flesh and burn themselves to death in the basement. It doesn’t have to ruin your investment. All you need to start on your house-flipping project is a couple of buckets of paint, a box of nails, and a priest with no family history of heart disease.

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Your dream home… after you get rid of the evil spirits!

You may feel silly approaching an ordained person of the cloth about ridding your new house of an angry ghost, but let us assure you that they have long since become accustomed to this sort of work. Shows like Flip or Flop and The Property Brothers tend to edit out all the masturbating demons and disembodied shrieks to focus on the more fun aspects of house flipping, but violent hauntings are an integral part of the residential redevelopment process. In fact, most of the Non-Disclosure Agreements signed by the participants of those programs are primarily focused on preventing the names of extraplanar tormentors from ever being spoken again, for their names are the source of their power. Also, remember to have the priest fill out a 1099 because exorcists are considered independent contractors by the IRS.

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Now, we would be remiss in our duty as lifestyle bloggers if we didn’t stress the fact that the probability of dramatic, if not outright theatrical, injury, and death is extremely high on any house-flipping project. The previous owner will likely have bargained with the most unscrupulous horror in hell to secure their revenge, so heads are quite literally going to roll. But what major architectural feat has not been accomplished at the cost of human life? The Golden Gate Bridge. The Empire State Building. One of the sets in the Hulk Hogan film Suburban Commando. There are some things for which not even human life is too dear a price to pay, and that two-story Victorian you just bought for a pittance is absolutely one of them. So roll up your sleeves, gather some friends who know how to swing a hammer, and carve a warding charm out of the bones of a sainted orphan. Because you can’t make an omelet without killing some priests.


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