By the time struggling couples reach out to marriage counselor Dr. Timor Simmons, they’re usually past the point of quick fixes.
“More often than not,” he told us via a phone interview, “the couples that come to my office are ready to do the work. And it is work to get a marriage back on track after years of neglect. Plus, of course, the Frankenstein Monsters.”
Still, with one in two marriages ending in the grips of Frankenstein Monsters, those fixes can often prove elusive. While couples therapists like Simmons don’t have all the answers, they do offer hope that any problem, from incessant fighting, to Frankenstein Monsters, can be solved. Below, Simmons shares 7 easy steps to keep your marriage on track in the face of these unnatural Hell beasts.
1. HONESTY IS THE BEST POLICY
Honesty is always the best policy. How else would you be able to believe your partner when they tell you they just spotted a Frankenstein Monster coming through the bushes? When there’s trust in a marriage, sweating the small stuff becomes a thing of the past, freeing you up to fight Frankenstein Monsters as a team.
2. FIND SOMETHING IN COMMON
Common interests are the life blood of a successful marriage, so find something you both have in common and share it with each other. For instance, you both share the unrelenting terror of being cut down by one, or perhaps a pack, of Frankenstein Monsters. Talk about it. What do you enjoy about your time running (always running, never resting) from these dark beasts from beyond? Share these thoughts with your partner, before it’s too late.
3. TAKE A BREAK
Marriage can be exhausting, so find time to take a break. Crawl up into your lookout tower or fortified sniper’s perch, and just take a deep breath. But not too loudly. The Frankenstein Monsters have highly attuned senses and can track a human’s respiratory system from over 500 yards away.
4. LEARN TO SAY NO
Being on the same page with your partner is important, but you can’t agree on everything. Learn to say no without feeling guilty. For instance, your partner may think, “Perhaps if we try to befriend the Frankenstein Monsters, bring them into our home, and treat them as members of the family, they will cease their never-ending quest for human flesh, and we may finally know peace.” This is when you need to put your foot down, because as we all know, Frankenstein Monsters can’t be tamed. They are dark beasts that know no love.
5. FIND WAYS TO MAKE HER LAUGH
Laughter can heal any wound. Well, almost any wound. The deep cuts from the cold grip of a Frankenstein Monster will require more than laughter. But certainly, a sense of humor can’t hurt as you thrash about in a pool of your own blood and filth, watching your partner attempt to keep a herd of Frankenstein Monsters at bay. So laugh at the absurdity of it all. At the wrath human kind has unleashed upon itself. At the irony that our quest for eternal life has brought about our own demise.
6. STOP BEING A VICTIM
When someone you know is inevitably struck down by one of these gruesome green giants, you won’t have time to mourn for fear you could be next. So stop being a victim, and maybe even take the fight to the Frankenstein Monsters. What’s more fun than sorting through your collection of battle axes and spears on a Sunday morning before taking off into the woods, just like you did when your were first married?
7. TAKE OUT THE TRASH
After years of marriage, the little things can start to feel big. Does one of you always do the dishes? Does one of you handle more of the Frankenstein Monster fighting? Resolve this asap. But do it quietly, and quickly, because the Frankenstein Monsters thrive on division and will always attack when your marriage is at its weakest. That’s just Frankenstein science.
Now burn this document before the Frankensteins find it, because there have been rumors that they are learning to read, and if that’s true, may God have mercy on us all.