We Tried The Meal Slurry Silicon Valley Elites Call ‘A Necessary Evil’
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We Tried The Meal Slurry Silicon Valley Elites Call ‘A Necessary Evil’

“Fortifying.” “Disgusting.” “Illegally procured hyena meat.” These are just some of the words and phrases Silicon Valley elites are using to describe Splopr, the hot new meal slurry they believe is necessary now. Packed full of consonants and something called “unfiltered nature liquids,” Splopr is the essence of what Silicon Valley considers healthy. Yes, it also contains an illegal microdose of ketamine, but as long as Splopr’s startup overlords keep funneling money into the pockets of politicians who refuse to regulate this meal slurry’s production, the recipe will remain unchallenged by the FDA and hyena lovers alike. After reaching the top of an extensive waiting list, we ordered a slop of Splopr for the whole Bunny Ears Los Angeles office, and what we experienced was technically food!

Splopr is not your typical meal slurry. For one thing, it was shipped to us with a bunch of beaks. Working under the theory that baby birds are healthier than human adults for some reason, Splopr’s founders started sending out beaks with their product to facilitate a revolutionary new way of eating “meals” the way baby birds do. The instructions said to funnel the meal slurry down the beak and into our throats, and boy, those beaks sure did help us choke down that Splopr!

One thing we noticed when drinking (eating? Absorbing?) this product is that it is neither a liquid nor a solid but a delightful mash somewhere in between the two. This is because many Silicon Valley tech giants no longer have the time for solid foods, taste, or human contact, but they can still enjoy a good texture now and then. Occasionally, we would almost choke on the slurry’s more solid chunks, but this is all part of the delightful mix of byproducts that the tech industry believes is necessary for survival as of July of this year.

Splopr comes in three formulations (they’re not legally allowed to call them flavors): Rainforest Surprise, Splopr for Women, and Google Intern. Weirdly, Splopr for Women was created without consulting or asking any actual women, but the bottle is pink, so we loved it. We found Google Intern to be the chunkiest mix by far. We heard Elon Musk swears by it. But that’s beside the point—our nutritionist says a person’s diet should be personalized to fit their needs, so don’t let us tell you which of these three meal formulations assembled in an offshore factory is right for you. Unless you’re a woman, in which case there’s just the one option.

After about a week of drinking Splopr, we began to notice results, such as “food fatigue” and “throat closure.” These are very common. We never, ever want to consume food or water again. As a result, we have more time to devote to pet projects no one asked for. This is why Silicon Valley elites call Splopr a ‘necessary evil.’ Order yourself a pack today!

Hana Michels
Hana Michels

Author - Hana - Editor - Warrior

Hana Michels has written for The Hard Times, Funny Or Die, McSweeney's, Shout Factory, Splitsider and others because her parents are therapists.

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