Which Diet Gave Me Chlamydia? An Investigation
I needed to lose some weight. The problem was I didn’t know where to start: Atkins, Keto, intermittent fasting—to name just a few. The more I researched, the more confused I got. Which is why I decided to try them all to figure out which works best for me and my body. And now I want to know which one gave me chlamydia. Let’s investigate!
The South Beach Diet
The South Beach Diet is all about keeping your carbohydrate intake low while upping your servings of lean proteins. My wife told me she’d never heard of a diet giving someone chlamydia since it’s a sexually transmitted disease and not a food-borne illness. “Honey,” I said, “I’m just as stumped as you are.” Maybe it was all the deviled eggs and spinach soup I was eating lately. I reminded her that high-protein, high-fiber diets make me gassy, so maybe they make me get the bumpy scabs of chlamydia on my genitals and lips, too. My wife believed otherwise.
The Atkins Diet
While it’s pretty similar to South Beach, the Atkins Diet is considered controversial because of its limitless allowance for certain fats. It might even be dangerous. This alone makes we strongly suspect Atkins is the source of my whole chlamydia situation. My wife wasn’t so convinced. She was stuck on the whole, “unless Atkins made you have sex with a diseased sex worker, I don’t buy it” thing. She’s incorrigible.
The Paleo Diet
Cavemen didn’t use protection when they had sex. They must’ve been riddled with chlamydia! So it stands to reason that a diet that emulates the eating habits of the Paleolithic era would be the source of my chlamydia scabs (both mouth and penis). While the diet’s emphasis on lean meats, fish, fruits, vegetables, nuts, and seeds had me looking as thin as the day I met my wife back in college, it wasn’t enough to convince her to not kick me out of the house.
The Zone is all about eating balanced portions of carbohydrates and proteins. It’s recommended five small meals a day ensured I’d never reach for an unhealthy mid-day snack. I really miss my wife. If only she would believe me when I say The Zone Diet gave me chlamydia and not my coworker Allison. Sure, we flirted a little. I mean, who doesn’t, right? But I would never have sex with Allison because she made it abundantly clear she doesn’t want to have sex with me.
The Mediterranean Diet
This is the diet for people who want to live long, healthy lives like folks on those Mediterranean islands who have some of the longest lifespans on earth. As I currently reside in a Motel 6 with neighbors who’ve either been fucking or killing each other for three hours, the distinct smell of crack cocaine in the air, and a baby crying somewhere in the distance, a longer life doesn’t sound all that appealing right now.
The Mediterranean Diet’s long track record of positive health outcomes has me convinced it is not the source of my chlamydia. I texted that development to my soon-to-be ex-wife, and she responded with a picture of herself giving the middle finger to a burning pile of my clothes.
The Ketogenic Diet
Keto, as it’s commonly known, doesn’t even allow you to eat certain fruits, which can potentially deprive you of valuable nutrients. It’s like Keto really doesn’t give a shit, like me.
I can’t keep up the charade any longer. I have to come clean.
I had sex outside of my marriage.
The Raw Food Diet
But how am I going to tell my wife I fucked a gourd? And also all the sex workers?